To recap.... M 3 years, D2, and I'm expecting Oct. 1st
My h works away from home all the time in the oilfield. during the month of march he was up north in a town. While there he met a 22 year old skank. On his days off, he came home with the attitude of I don't love you, marriage was a mistake. I saw it coming. My hormones where a mess, being newly preg, having a toddler and living out in the counrty alone, I was in a rut. During the month of May, I discover the OW. Although he swears up and down that nothing happened with the ow while we were together (he waited to break up with me), I know something emotional took place. A week later after me confronting him, their fling ended. I started DRing soon after the break up that goodness, because it saved my but many, many times.
Up until a week ago, I have notices big changes in H's attitude as well as my own. On his last days off, he came home to work on the M. Finally he said he realized that he needed to be near me to see the changes. We had the best weekend in sooooo long.
After he left, that night he called me and said he was worried that in a few months I would change back into my old self. I talked to him and asked him to stand by me, and not to allow myself to be the old me. When he saw bad behaviour, to point it out. I don't want to have the old R with him anymore. I want to start fresh and new.
Today though I am not having a good day. In the last 48 hours, my H has dropped $600 at the bar. Last night I tried calling him around 11:30, amd he wouldn't answer his phone. Then today, I couldn't sleep, so I called him again at 6 and 6:30. During this time, my head was spinning. I was freaking out that he was with someone else, or with the money he spent, maybe he started doing drugs, or gambling. H called me back shortly later, and said that he lent money to his cousin ( Not sure if I believe him), and that he went out and over slept and was now late for work.
I vented to my mom.... Bad mistake. She informs me that my little brother confessed to her a few weeks ago that he has been doing pot for the last 6 years almost daily. My little bro is 19 years old. I was shocked. To have lived with a family member that uses like that and not know?? So know I am really worried, what if H had gotten himself into the drug scene? What do i do. My intuition is fairly strong, and I don't think he is, but I'm still finding myself questioning it.
I'm excited that H wants to work on the M, I busted my but off DRing to get him to come home. But now I question trust, and how I really feel about him never being around. I'm wondering if I haven't made a bad mistake. H doesn't want to fully commit to the M until the baby is born, yet we're making plans for a family holiday to mexico, and we're both saving money for a house, and he even said that for our friends wedding, he'll wear his wedding ring. To me he has committed, but for sake of his ego and friends, its his way out if things get rocky.
I believe in fate, and know that I have to watch what happens in the next little while. I know that I can't talk about us yet, its not time. But I feel like I am backsliding.
So I guess my question is, how do I trust him again, and when will I know I am in a safe marriage. Will I have to live with the fear of him leaving for the next few years?
Sorry this is so long.
I saved my marriage and so can you....Its all about positive thinking...
