Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

Like a toddler, maybe he has been seeking those boundaries all the time... acting out until you firmly put them down.

That could be. I remember back when he used to dictate things like what I could wear, etc. and I finally decided that wasn't going to happen anymore, he fought me every step of the way on that. But, I kept going with it and he has told me that he knows he is a better person for it.
So.....perhaps you are right.

I read that one of the characteristics of a controller sometimes is simply that they "care more", i.e. they are just more passionate and have stronger opinions on things whereas the other partner truly may not care and so they go along. I think that this dynamic has played a part in our R, as H has *always* had strong opinions on just about everything and I am way more laid back. So, there are a lot of things that I just go without b/c H *dislikes* them more than I *like* them. I don't think he's all evil.

How were you communicating differently to get this instead of his usual derisive self?

I think I have been a lazy communicator in the past. It's been hard for me to get my point across, not just with H but with others as well b/c I hadn't taken the time to articulate my thoughts. I guess I always thought communication was supposed to be easy and it is only now that I am realizing that it takes thought and even planning sometimes. An awareness of certain bad habits we have such as frequently changing topics and being verbally abusive. I have stopped any name calling and also point out every time he calls me a name or does something else disrespectful like saying "shut up" or "you're delusional". Calling him on it may make him realize how often he really does it and may make him feel the need to stop. I have also tried really hard to remain calm even when my instinct is to raise my voice. Listening and validating are also two skills that I'm nursing, although I'm doing better with the former than the latter and still talking way too much. I feel like I've come so far but really haven't made super progress, which really just tells me how far in the red I was when it comes to communication and holding up against H's communication style or lack thereof, lol.