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Actually, I think there's a fair amount of hope that H will change (50/50 chance at least). I just think it will take something big to jolt him into it.



Like what an electrical shock? Really though, I see some improvements, I really do.

Saturday evening, he asked about the trip to MI again. The highlights of the conversation were that I will be staying with my parents, that my sister wasn't even going to be there, that I am not making any promises to refrain from social situations or bars for the rest of my life and that I fully understand his concerns and his lack of trust for me. I explained to him that I understand his doubts and I also understand that my A is something that is never going to go away~it will always lurk in the shadows. And that is even more reason that I cannot agree to living a sheltered life~b/c I surely won't live that way forever. The healing and the appropriate handling of things has to begin now. He mentioned again me putting myself in an environment where bad things can happen. I told him that when a M is not going well and one is susceptible to an A, it can happen anywhere. People meet people at their places of work, where they go to school, a single parent at their children's school, who knows, the list is endless. And all of those influences cannot be controlled. Outside in is the wrong approach; it has be to be inside out. Has to be. He mentioned not being sure of what was going on with us and I was pretty blunt in saying that the future was very uncertain. That I was making no guarantees and expected none from him. Our R has been very volatile and my A could still very well be the downfall of our M depending on how we go forward. I told him that right now, my goal is just to try to rebuild the trust between us, make some good memories and try to make the good times outweigh the bad.
By the end of the conversation, he acknowledged that my family wasn't the problem and that all he was asking was that I didn't purposely leave him behind so that I could go out alone. Wonderful. We talked a great deal about my sister and that just being a social person and having a strong [unconscious] desire to be the center of attention does not mean she's disrespectful, that's just her personality. He acknowledged that it may just be her personality and that perhaps he shouldn't be so concerned with it.
Finally some progress on these issues!! I felt really good about standing by my beliefs and in the end, I felt like we had come to an agreement whereby I had maintained my self respect and my own sense of power (in a good way) in our R. Really good stuff.

Another interesting thing to mention is that he is adamant that he has been supportive of my karate class He said the only problem he has ever had is how frequently I go. Now, I know that is BS. However, I think that by focusing on the fact that this is BS, I would be missing the point that he now feels the need to glaze over the fact that he *hasn't* been supportive. Meaning that basically, he knows he's been an a@@. Ideally, he would admit that and say that he's going to be better about it. But, some change is better than no change and it seems that he may finally be willing to let go of this issue as well.

He also didn't seem as opposed to going out and spending time together as a couple as he has in the past. When the issue came up, he resisted at first and I became *very* serious b/c I'm not going forward in a R for very long where that is the case. He said, "Well, our R is sort of a different story now". I said, "How so H, how is our R in such a different place now where spending time alone together would not be a good thing for us?" He backpedaled and said he could see where it would be. Standing my ground seems to be working quite well so far.
So, all in all, I think there are some positve things going on here and I haven't even mentioned the most obvious positive~that communication is actually transpiring between us!! We're by no means good at it yet, but I'm very aware of the dynamics now and am trying very hard to lead the way. Maybe someday we'll fully realize the benefit of exchanging ideas and thoughts the way normal people do, ya think??

I just hope that these positives can continue once he comes home.....the idea that things will get confusing and difficult again is looming over my head.

Bud, hopefully I won't have to move on to steps two and three. Time will tell. Thanks for your patience with me!!








"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."

- Nathaniel Hawthorne