Learning to Trust Myself

[Burgbud]

Uh, yes. That's the short answsr since NY indicated yesterday perhaps I should work on being a little more concise with my answers.

Then allow me an attempt at brevity also: Well, you're wrong.


Can't have it both ways though can I?

You can't have it both ways forever but you can have it both ways for awhile. You have time to start to sort yourself.


Ok, so you don't have much hope that H will change.

Actually, I think there's a fair amount of hope that H will change (50/50 chance at least). I just think it will take something big to jolt him into it.

If I can change then anybody can change. And people worse than me have changed, too. The real issue is, does he *want* to change? Does he see any need to change? If not, what *would* make him want to change...what might make him take a look at his life and realize he's not living it the way he would like? That his life isn't what he wants it to be?

I mean, he doesn't need to polish up a few loving behaviors, right? It seems more like he needs a new mindset. Before somebody adopts a new mindset they usually have to be convinced that their old mindset isn't working for them.


Kim mentioned some insecurities that shine through here. Tell me what she means.

Kim will have to speak for herself, but the insecurities I see are that you worry you aren't a good enough mom with S4, and that there's something you could be doing differently that would make H act the way you want. But I'll bet if you take a step back from the situation, you realize that you have no reason for insecurity on either count. You just have to work until you thoroughly believe it.


I don't know what to do.

Lucky for you I'm here and it's a slow Saturday, because I know everything, as evidenced by my own life. And I'm in an advice giving mood, though I plead with you to consider the source. Also, I'm thinking you live in VA but if not, some of this advice could well change. Okay, here goes...

Step 1: Do everything you can to make yourself happy. Go to karate, for one thing. If you're happier in general with your life, you might find yourself happier even when H is home and it will be easier to deal with him the way you want to. Maybe that will change the patterns of your relationship and bring him around.

Step 2: If that doesn't work and things don't change, sit him down and tell him you're seriously considering moving out. You love him and you've been working on the M but your emotional needs are not being met (all about you, see? Not much for him to argue with). List a few of your emotional needs that he needs to work on (considering your opinions, showing you affection, helping you connect with your kids, ...). I can imagine he might tell you you're being selfish, what about his needs? Tell him you'll work on whatever needs he's not getting met, but that won't be enough to save the M. And he knows you better than anyone, so he should look in his heart at what he knows about you and determine for himself if you're really too selfish to be married to. Because if you are, then this is his chance.

There would be two keys to making this work: don't do it unless you actually intend to follow through if need be, and do it while you still hope things can work out. VA law says you've gotta be separate for a year before D, so that's long enough for significant changes to be made, but also a long time to wait if you're sure you want to move on with your life.

If H believes you're serious and doesn't decide to work on things within a week, I'll bet it's because he doesn't think when push comes to shove you'll go through with it.

Step 3: Move out. GAL. Make H woo you back. I'll be shocked if he doesn't crumble. Give yourself long enough to be convinced he's become the man you want to live the rest of your life with. Then move back in and have a party!

There. I said it.