Learning to Trust Myself

[Burgbud]

Reread my above statement and you will understand why I believe it's about the kids more than it is about me. To you, that might be a technicality and you might be thinking whatever Heather, he's afraid of loss, whatever that loss may be, that's the reason for his insecurity. I'm not trying to be thick, I get it. But the loss he's afraid of matters to me.

Do you really think he doesn't love or like you but he's willing to live with you for, what, 16 more years just so he can be with his kids all the time?

If he's as insecure as he comes across, however, he doesn't think he's good enough to keep you. So he controls you as much as possible, hoping you won't come across a better deal, won't get any big ideas. He sees that the kids are the best way to control you and he's really good with them, so he pushes that angle. And he marginalizes you so maybe you'll be thinking you don't deserve any better. You scare him to death. Maybe so much that he's detached himself from you because he can't deal with the fear of losing you and his insecurities tell him that's inevitable. I'm not saying any of this is conscious. I'm saying this is how insecure people who are in denial about it deal with their insecurity. You may be the only thing in his life he's insecure about, but that doesn't change things.

Sadly, he has to resolve this issue for himself. It will be difficult for you to help him, especially since you're the/an object of his insecurity. That's why he needs so much reassurance. That's why he doesn't accept your apologies. He doesn't think you're sorry because he figures that other guy is better than him, plus he can try to control you with your guilt. He has to punish you into never doing that again because next time you'll definitely figure out that the grass is greener and you'll be gone. That's why he has to have you do everything his way; any rejection of what he wants to do gets taken personally and turned into a rejection of him. He's worried you're starting to figure him out, and all he's got to keep you are the kids.

I hope I'm wrong and he can come out of this mindset on his own. But without therapy or some sort of serious jolt to his world, chances are probably slim.