Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

I'm telling ya Heather, your H is a MAJOR controller. I've already written that I know it, you know it, every one here knows it, but now... my WAW knows it, civilizations lost in far remote reaches of the most isolated jungles in foreign continents know it, and probably somewhere in the outer galaxies googiglians of light years away on some distant planet there are alien beings who roll their sixteen eyes when they hear yet another story about "Heather's Husband".

OMG, that is the funniest thing I've heard all week. You give great advice and you make me laugh....what more could a fellow DBer ask for??!

while he recognizes the offer made by me is entirely fair, he will choose not to do it. //////////

Is it just me, or doesn't that statement ring odd?

It rings odd presumably b/c you're not an extreme person. You see, my H once said to me even if I gave him 90% custody, I'd still be taking his kids away from him 10% of the time. You have to remember that H will not leave the kids to go to a movie or dinner with me. We are talking about a person who is as extreme as anyone I've ever met or even heard of. So, going back to knowing my arrangement to split the week in half with the kids was fair by all practical applications of the word, it is in the middle~not one extreme or the other and therfore out of the realm of anything he would agree to although I do think he recognizes it as a deal that the rest of society would view as fair.

As an aside, if it is a fear of losing the children, in the event of divorce, custody could still be fought for, and for the non-custodial parent there's always visitation which can be as liberal and wide as you want to make it, so I tend to think it's really about losing you!

Reread my above statement and you will understand why I believe it's about the kids more than it is about me. To you, that might be a technicality and you might be thinking whatever Heather, he's afraid of loss, whatever that loss may be, that's the reason for his insecurity. I'm not trying to be thick, I get it. But the loss he's afraid of matters to me. I want to matter, not just be the partying gift that came with my kids. Partying gift, the only people that say that are game show hosts and Blues Travelers. And Heather.

This is the sort of stuff a shrewd attorney does in cross-examination to try to get someone to concede a point in that attorney's favor. The opposing attorney would immediately object, pointing out that the witness is being led... just as I think you were being led.

And by allowing him to lead me, did I let him know he was in control? Even if I did, he *is* in control where the kids are concerned. You know it. He'll say, "Let's let *them* decide where they want to stay" and he'll have a cottage on the lake or something. Where do you think the kids would choose to stay??? He!!, he could have a cottage next to a sewage sanitation plant and the kids would still likely choose to stay with him. A smart player knows not to set themself up to lose right? It sucks.

So, H is going to bring the topic up again tonight when he gets home. Should I just say "I will listen to what you have to say, but I've already stated how I feel on the issue. I'm staying with my parents and we'd all like it if you would too. Other than that, I don't have anything else to say, but I will gladly listen".