I can see why you would think he was putting words in my mouth. But that's not what he was doing.
I'll tell you why I think he was:
You had said to him : "I don't want to stay in a cottage." He said, "Well I don't want to stay with your parents. You then rightly said, "Ok well don't. "
But then H's reply "So you just want me to rent a cottage for me and the kids?" is not what you said at all, nor does it speak to what you want, though he has crafted it to attribute his twist as what he says he's hearing from you as your "want". Moreover, whereas the last reference was about him staying at a cottage, now he includes the children as part of his camp, as part of his "understanding" of what you want. That's all putting words in your mouth. This is the sort of stuff a shrewd attorney does in cross-examination to try to get someone to concede a point in that attorney's favor. The opposing attorney would immediately object, pointing out that the witness is being led... just as I think you were being led.
He was expressing in no uncertain terms that where he goes, the kids go... that's why I answered like I did. Because if I say something as direct as the way you would have answered, there will be a war... I can be very firm about what *I* will do, but I have to tread very lightly about making statements about what the kids *will* do
That's unfortunate. H can speak definitively about what the kids will do and you're not permitted the same privilege, hmm? And you look to avoid the certain battle that will come by not forcing the issue and demanding that H be equal in the right to decide the kids will or won't do because of the given ensuing battle if you do so.
The only time you don't have any battle is when H gets his way.
I can understand then why your solution was to compromise and have the children spend equal time with both parents. Yet the issue of both parents having the same equality in deciding what the kids will do goes begging. Perhaps that's a conversation for a time when such a matter is not at hand... although it's always a war because he's a controlling person and tries to exert control over the children as well, right?
His real concern is that he'll lose you. -------------------------------------------- How do you know? His real concern as far as I can tell is that he'll lose his kids.
OK. Either way, let's assume that his real concern is not that the family is going to influence a divorce, but that it really has to do with fear of loss. As an aside, if it is a fear of losing the children, in the event of divorce, custody could still be fought for, and for the non-custodial parent there's always visitation which can be as liberal and wide as you want to make it, so I tend to think it's really about losing you!
I do see that when our wants differ, he will essentially turn the situation into a "why are your wants more important that my wants" type of thing. And, of course they're not, so I'm left with no options when you look at it like that, except to "be selfish" or "unselfish". I HATE that!!
"And, of course they're not"... well, some are, some aren't, and some are equal. And if you're browbeaten into submitting or compromising to his will all or most of the time, and that your wants/needs are never as important as his, you're going to feel, if you don't already, then you're giving up lots of little pieces of yourself, being the person who agrees to something you don't really agree to, while the other partner (H) gets what he wants.
This pattern sounds extremely selfish on H's part... I can't see how it depicts selfishness on your part. Of course, painting it that way when you do assert yourself is part of his control, isn't it?
I'm telling ya Heather, your H is a MAJOR controller. I've already written that I know it, you know it, every one here knows it, but now... my WAW knows it, civilizations lost in far remote reaches of the most isolated jungles in foreign continents know it, and probably somewhere in the outer galaxies googiglians of light years away on some distant planet there are alien beings who roll their sixteen eyes when they hear yet another story about "Heather's Husband".
while he recognizes the offer made by me is entirely fair, he will choose not to do it.
Is it just me, or doesn't that statement ring odd?
