Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

Yes, I do see that when our wants differ, he will essentially turn the situation into a "why are your wants more important that my wants" type of thing. And, of course they're not, so I'm left with no options when you look at it like that, except to "be selfish" or "unselfish". I HATE that!!

My response would've been: "I didn't say that. If you want to rent a cottage for yourself, go ahead, it's your choice. me and the kids are staying with my folks.".....H's putting words in your mouth.

I can see why you would think he was putting words in my mouth. But that's not what he was doing. He was expressing in no uncertain terms that where he goes, the kids go. That's what that statement was about. And, that's why I answered like I did. Because if I say something as direct as the way you would have answered, there will be a war. One that I will not win, I can promise you that. I can be very firm about what *I* will do, but I have to tread very lightly about making statements about what the kids *will* do and what they *won't* do b/c, well you know why. The only way in this situation is to be entirely 100% "fair" where there is no room for argument. I can only hope that he will not want to spend even half the week away from the kids and so, while he recognizes the offer made by me is entirely fair, he will choose not to do it. That is my hope.

I don't think there's anything to reassure him about.

THANK YOU!! This is the part where I start to feel like I'm incompetent b/c he's called me on this issue twice, I think I have an understanding of what his issues are and still I'm on this BB asking you all what you think I should say to him b/c I'm still completely at a loss as far as how I'm supposed to reassure him. I want to. But it just can't come from me, there's nothing I can do as far as I can see.

...if you're being faithful and loving...

I need to work on the 'loving' part as I mentioned above. One crisis at a time. Loving will be for next week, lol

His real concern is that he'll lose you.

How do you know? His real concern as far as I can tell is that he'll lose his kids.

He's not a mind reader and shouldn't assume to what degree you're chomping at the bit to go out.

I know, right? To my knowledge at this point, I'm not even going out. I've known all along my sister wouldn't be there and the only other person I would go out with is a close friend....we'll see, I don't even know if she's available for crying out loud. So, do I sound like I'm chomping at the bit??!!

Perhaps it's time to inform H of what the possible consequences are if he doesn't change.

For the first time, I think he might know. He hasn't been this "pursuey" since the first week after I told him about the A. Hey, didja like that word?? I wonder if Michele might like to borrow it....

I feel like this is my first opportunity to really stick to my guns. In the past I've felt like my only leverage was leaving him. Now I'm starting to see that I do have some other options. I don't want to go overboard, but considering I see this as my first opportunity I don't think I have to worry about going overboard yet.