We can't try to control exposure to outside influences in an attempt to fix our R. He asked why staying in a cottage would be so bad.
Excuse me, but didn't you just touch upon the issue only to have H deflect that back to his superficial "cottage" argument again? That's the tangent topic changing stuff to be on the watch for.
I said it would be bad because I don't want to stay in a cottage. He said well I don't want to stay with your parents.
Heather, you DO see, don't you, that whenever you state what YOU want, H's reply is typically, "Oh how convenient for you... What about what I want?", when is it ever about what Heather wants?
He said well I don't want to stay with your parents. I said, ok well don't. He said, so you just want me to rent a cottage for me and the kids?
My response would've been: "I didn't say that. If you want to rent a cottage for yourself, go ahead, it's your choice. me and the kids are staying with my folks."
H's putting words in your mouth. I guess that's something else to not permit in your discussions.
So, I need to find some way to reassure him. His main concerns are me going out and that my family is going to influence me to divorce him.
I don't think there's anything to reassure him about. Go and live your life the way it's best for you, and if you're being faithful and loving, then that's it... you're never going to be able to fully reassure an insecure person, and that's what your H is.
His real concern is not that the family is going to influence a divorce. His real concern is that he'll lose you. There are a thousand ways he could lose you. You might watch a movie on Lifetime TV, you might read an article in a magazine, a neighbor may influence you, the new blouse you bought might get another man's wink, there might be someone in your karate class, and on and on, Heather. It's impossible and impractical to have to issue a reassurance on every such thing.
This is really about his insecurities and fears. That's why he's so controlling, so as to avert the possible outcome of losing you. But it's by grasping so hard and clinging to the person he loves that he's choking the love out of you.
He made the comments that he thinks I cannot wait to go out
He's not a mind reader and shouldn't assume to what degree you're chomping at the bit to go out. certainly you're looking forward to being out and being with friends and family, that's to be expected and normal, isn't it?
So, what is H really saying here?
and I should have the consideration to offer to not put myself in a situation where something could happen, considering that the heart of the problem (meaning the A I guess) was putting myself in a situation where such things could occur in the first place, i.e. a bar.
So perhaps what he's really saying is "I believe you have a strong desire to get into an environement, situation, i.e. go out to the bar, where you can cheat on me, and I don't feel otherwise because you haven't met my expectation to offer not to go out."
You can't avoid going to bars forever just because of what happened once in the past. What's H's "solution" to that? Does he have a solution that does NOT involve you being chained and following his every order? And if he doesn't, then the onus is on him to follow your lead or do the work himself, because you CANNOT continue in a relationship that is so dictorial and dismissive and controlling of you. I mean, you can... but are you EVER going to be happy like this? Perhaps it's time to inform H of what the possible consequences are if he doesn't change.
I said "H, that was not the heart of the problem". He said "OH, it wasn't?"
