~Update~ H called me yesterday but I had someone in my office so I answered and asked if I could call him back in a few minutes. When I called back he said it was no big deal, he was just wondering if his shirt had come in the mail...I got the feeling that wasn't the real reason he called, but the moment had been ruined and he no longer wanted to discuss what he had originally called for. Then today he called again. To talk about the trip to MI. I knew right away that was really why he had called yesterday. First of all, this is sort of pursuing behavior as NY suggested. I guess that's a good thing for me right? So, he starts off by saying the vacation thing is really bothering him. Then he just sits there. I basically tell him that he has the floor, so speak. What specifically is bothering him I ask? He starts talking about my sister and the family and how I just blew him off yesterday. I said I didn't blow you off, I understand where you're coming from and how you feel. But that my family isn't the real issue, the real issue is my behavior and our R. We can't try to control exposure to outside influences in an attempt to fix our R. He asked why staying in a cottage would be so bad. I said it would be bad because I don't want to stay in a cottage. He said well I don't want to stay with your parents. I said, ok well don't. He said, so you just want me to rent a cottage for me and the kids? I said, if you absolutely insist on it then yes I suppose we'll have to divide the week whereby the kids can stay with you half the week and they will stay with me the other half. I totally don't want to do that, but I can't let him manipulate me with the kids...... He tried to express something to the effect of me putting my extended family above him and the kids. I totally did not even entertain that statement, blew right past it. I'm not going there. I wasn't very effective at keeping the conversation to one topic and contributed to the topic changing...darn. It wasn't as bad as usual though, so that's good. And when I realized I was contributing to it, I made a comment that it's hard to get anything resolved unless we stay on the topic at hand. We only talked for about 20 minutes and nothing much was accomplished except that I did put out there the idea that what he is anxious about has nothing to do with a cottage, some to do with my family, but most to do with me. So, I need to find some way to reassure him. His main concerns are me going out and that my family is going to influence me to divorce him. He made the comments that he thinks I cannot wait to go out and I should have the consideration to offer to not put myself in a situation where something could happen, considering that the heart of the problem (meaning the A I guess) was putting myself in a situation where such things could occur in the first place, i.e. a bar. I said "H, that was not the heart of the problem". He said "OH, it wasn't?" I said No, the heart of the problem lied between you and I. And then he had to go as his coworkers returned from wherever they were.
So, how to reassure H about our trip to MI? What exactly am I reassuring, I don't even know!! Should I tell him my sister isn't even going? I don't have any plans whatsoever to go out while I'm home. Should I tell him that? What do I do?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
