Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

Kim, no problem I know I've got a pretty deep discussion going here and from what I read on your thread you've got some of your own excitement (good excitement) to keep you busy right now. Hope to see you when things settle a bit for you.

H gets to decide what the topic is, is that what he's saying? H did decide what the topic was, but then goes on tangents. All you're looking to do is stay on the topic H brought up instead of jumping from one thing to the other

I think part of my problem is my timing in implementation so to speak. What I mean by that is I didn't used to be as aware as I am becoming now of the patterns in our conversations. So, it would take me a while to realize that we were going in circles and it wasn't until we were well into an argument, where I had probably been bringing up old stuff myself, where I would feel frustrated at the lack of direction in the discussion and would say something like "this is not what the discussion was supposed to be about" or something like that. So, in H's defense, I didn't implement very well the first few times. I will get better at keeping to the topic from the very beginning from now on.

Very typically, when people have arguments/discussions, they do stuff that makes it ineffective: going off on tangents and other topics, bringing up grudges, blaming, ultimatums, raising voices, making threats, sarcasm, facial gestures (i.e., rolling eyes, look of disgust), insults, etc.

I'm guilty of all of these myself. You're right effective communication has to have rules and it takes a while to learn those rules much less implement them!! I'm still learning, but also starting to implement better. Still a beginner by all means.

Create a positive conversation about what you like, love, admire about one another.

I will have a whole separate post on this issue. I want to do this, but struggle very much with it b/c I don't feel very loving toward H. I need to do something to get out of that rut and start generating some good vibes here!!

Everytime you've written what you're going to say to H, I always say to myself, "oh, oh. He's going to counter."

In the past, I've let feelings like that actually discourage me from even saying anything at all. For some reason, these days, I'm feeling slightly more optimistic. He'll probably still counter. But by employing my new conversation "rules" I should be able to handle it more constructively and calmly.

I'd guess you could be pretty liberal in saying it as long as it had an effect.

Well then I probably need some help thinking of ways to say it because I would not use liberal to describe the number of times I've said in the last several months especially. We don't have deep discussions very often and like I said and you agreed, it's hard to bring it up when everything is fine and you risk ruining the evening. Any ideas on this? Is there something that would say "I'm sorry" to you besides the actual words? Something that I could do without necessarily addressing the entire A?

But you do feel loving toward him sometimes; try to make the most of that.

That's a good idea. Maybe I need to think more of creative ways to show love so that when I'm feeling loving I'm better able to express it. Any ideas??

My opinion is you've been more than sorry enough, at least until he's willing to actually hear you.

I was thinking about this today. You guys get to see this inner struggle I'm going through and I see yours as well. Our partners don't see this. And, in learning, there is a great deal of thought and introspection that takes place before an outside change is necessarily seen. So, from my H's perspective, maybe he doesn't have any idea how much thought I've given to this and how much I'm learning and how much I care or how sorry I am. He may be just beginning to see my changes. I have gone through my biggest changes just in the last few weeks as a deeper understanding has occurred....what can I say, I'm a slow learner Honestly, I think I resisted quite a bit at first as I was hurting for empathy and longing for someone to understand what I was going through. You guys have given me that and it has allowed me to heal some and stop resisting the idea that I really need to change. Half my problem was that for some reason I really *needed* for someone other than my C, who sometimes I feel like I'm paying off, lol to truly understand my situation. Thank you all so much for giving me that, everyone who has ever posted on my thread has contributed to this and I cannot express the difference you've made in my life thus far.

As I was writing this and thinking about the deeper understanding that has transpired in me the last few weeks, something really sad occurred to me. That is really since H has been gone isn't it? I can see things much more clearly and calmly. I don't want to get myself upset over nothing, maybe it's a coincidence. But I really am nervous for him to come home because I've become very comfortable with things as they are.....