From what you wrote about your own personal development, it sounds as if you're making great strides for yourself.
he just turns it back on me saying something like "OH, well how convenient that YOU get to decide what the topic is". He makes it sound like I'm trying to get out of addressing my faults or my shortcomings.
Recognize that as a control tactic.
H gets to decide what the topic is, is that what he's saying? H did decide what the topic was, but then goes on tangents. All you're looking to do is stay on the topic H brought up instead of jumping from one thing to the other, and while on topic, willing to discuss it more fully, shortcomings and all.
There are "rules" to have effective discussions. Very typically, when people have arguments/discussions, they do stuff that makes it ineffective: going off on tangents and other topics, bringing up grudges, blaming, ultimatums, raising voices, making threats, sarcasm, facial gestures (i.e., rolling eyes, look of disgust), insults, etc.
That's why I suggested keeping on topic. Also, since people argue about superficial matters that lay over the real issues, it's good to analyze what the real premise is so as to get to the heart of the matter. For example, "we should stay in the cottage because we're a family" isn't the real issue, as you know. So to further discuss why a family would stay in a cottage isn't going to resolve anything, as what really needs to be addressed is the underlying issue "H doesn't 'like your family', that's his reaction because he feels there 'on you're side', and that impression irks him because..."
He wants to discuss your shortcomings, but when you listed a bunch of his, he dismissed it, but that's to be expected. People tend to minimize what they do themselves and magnify what others do, and it's common for people to think that the fault lies outside of themselves. Besides, no one likes to chirp about their own shortcomings.
Discussing shortcomings isn't working for you. It's a blame game. How about instead of discussing shortcomings, discuss strengths instead? Create a positive conversation about what you like, love, admire about one another.
H could say that love doesn't cheat. And who am I to argue?
People make mistakes. Forgiveness is part of loving. You made a mistake, but you also turned it around and acknowledged it and are remorseful and actively seeking to repair the damage and, in fact, create something better than before is your interest. H makes mistakes, doesn't acknowledge them but repeats them continuously.
How can you be so sure that he never will?
You're right. I shouldn't have wrote "never". "Never" is a global term.
I guess what I meant was that the pattern will continue ad infinitum. I get the sense that if H were to accept your apology and act in accord with that acceptance, he'd lose some "power" over you, having this over you, and given my deep impression that he's a total control freak, I felt it's not likely he'll do that.
So to change that repeated outcome, a different strategy is needed. That's why I suggested the positive "what I love about you" convo instead.
I've thought about pointing this out during our next R discussion. That he *seems* to be looking for something from me, some words or actions that will trigger a desire to forgive me.
Everytime you've written what you're going to say to H, I always say to myself, "oh, oh. He's going to counter." He'll probably look to put the onus on you, and reply with something along the lines of "I shouldn't have to look. If you were truly sorry, it would show. Instead, you argue with me about..."
Knock, knock. Who's there? Control Freak. Now YOU say "Control Freak who?"
NY, as always, thank you so much for the time you dedicate to my situation.
Oh, Heather... I receive so I give back. Your sitch hits a spot in me, I feel for you.
