Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

NY, as always, thank you so much for the time you dedicate to my situation. I'm very grateful.

I again think that what you guys are battling over is the top of the ice berg, fighting over ice chips,

I agree. Although we haven't gotten to a place where our conversations reflect a true exchange of feelings and thoughts between two mature adults, we are making some progress. First of all, I am simply more AWARE of what's going on. This is really big because I used to forget a lot of things or put them out of my head or whatever. That made it hard to remember who said what and to be able to defend myself against BS arguments or H telling me I said things or that he said things that weren't really said. This has and will continue to greatly enhance my analysis of my R and assist me in trusting my reactions, my thoughts and my feelings.
Secondly, I have not getting that sick feeling in my stomach anymore when he's angry at me which tells me I'm getting better at detaching. I don't have it mastered by any means, but I'm making some progress. Secondly, I'm able to listen more and talk less. This is HUGE and as I get better at it, it will serve many purposes. The first purpose is the more obvious one, that I actually process what he is telling me instead of conjuring a response in head. I've also been able to practice a little silence as I give myself time to decide if what he has said warrants a response from me. The second purpose listening as opposed to speaking serves is that, as you've noticed, my H tends to talk in circles. By not speaking, he can only talk himself in circles, not drag me with him. This is really beneficial, because you suggested that I tell H that we're going to stick to the topic at hand or else the discussion is over. I've tried that and he just turns it back on me saying something like "OH, well how convenient that YOU get to decide what the topic is". He makes it sound like I'm trying to get out of addressing my faults or my shortcomings. So that hasn't worked so well. But silence seems to work, at least the little I've tried it. It's hard to change old patterns, but as I have little by little, I notice that some things are pretty effective.

Seeking to improve from the outside by cutting third party influences that which can only be improved from the inside via the primary partners.

That's a great way to word that. You know, often communicating with someone takes a lot of work to convey what you want to say. I think that's been one of my shortcomings as well. Never gave enough thought to what I wanted to say, spoke without thinking at all, or just said something stupid to hear myself talk I guess. Posting here and hearing other people's interpretations of what I'm saying has helped bring me a great deal of clarity. Not being a scatterbrain about how I feel has been liberating.

If H actually worked on the relationship in a productive manner, others, like family, might see the difference in the repaired relationship and take note of its improvement and not be critical of it. That would be the answer to changing how family sees H.

I know and it makes so much sense. H just can't seem to get past the injustice of it all. It's hard for him to accept that I've done this crappy thing but yet he has to pay the consequences too and help make things better. I understand how he feels and I'm sure many others on this board have felt the same way. But H's version is so much more extreme than the average bear.

His statement also implies that any "higher ground" behavior coming from him is contingent on you first... I'll be good if you're good... and that's not love. Love doesn't hold grudges and critically punish.

That's what my sister keeps telling me, that there is no way H can love me and yet treat me the way he does. But I know he does love me. Ideally, you're both right. But, playing devils advocate, H could say that love doesn't cheat. And who am I to argue? So, I can't go there with my thoughts knim?

It's also disturbing that H dismisses your apologies, argues against them. Why? Is it in order to remain being the hurt partner, and in so doing, create a never ending obligation on your part to make it up to him by doing what he says?

Yes, I believe this is 100% accurate. I've thought about pointing this out during our next R discussion. That he *seems* to be looking for something from me, some words or actions that will trigger a desire to forgive me. That he doesn't seem to feel that that has to come from within and I feel that it does. Like you said, I will probably have to guide him (a case of the legally blind leading the totally blind, lol) and help him understand why he feels the way he does.

And of his own accord, he won't, Heather. Never will. And so your discussion with him ends with him saying, yet again, "I don't believe you're sorry."

How can you be so sure that he never will? I wish I had that level of certainty one way or the other....

Your answer was that trust takes time to rebuild, but didn't answer how.

Ah, yes. Minor exclusion, huh?! Getting better, got a ways to go. If we could stay on one subject long enough to elaborate it would be easier to notice I haven't said everything I needed to say!! And that's not just H's fault, I am also guilty of changing subjects and bringing up old stuff.

I'm very apprehensive about the trip to MI to say the least~that is if he will even go or allow the kids to go. BTW, my sister will not be there. She had told me a while back she couldn't make it, but I wanted to hear what H had to say on the subject so I let him think she was coming. The issue needed to be addressed whether or not she was going.