Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

Thanks Kim...your words are very kind and reassuring. I appreciate that.

I do sense alot of insecurities with you though.

If you stop by again, I'd appreciate it if you would elaborate some here. An honest, objective view on my posts is always helpful....and I've come to rely on many of you for just that, so thank you.

Bud, yes, Dumb Fries is another funny one. How can you not snicker at that, even as an adult??

I can see wanting to punish you at first, but it wouldn't take long before I'd want to "reestablish my turf", so to speak. I wouldn't want Om to be the last guy who kissed you.

This is exactly how I would feel if it were me as well. H doesn't think like most of us in case you hadn't noticed I don't know what to think about it, so I try not to think about it at all because I can't control it. Some days that's easier said than done of course.

Journaling:
H called me today at work and asked me if I had a few minutes and I said sure. He said "So....you're sister is going to be in MI when we're up there then right?" I said yes. He said "I can just see this causing problems b/c she's gonna want you to go out and she's not gonna understand even if you tell her you're fine with it and not wanting to go, she's still going to make you feel like it's idiotic. That's the thing with the XXX's (my maiden name), it's like they think they can do whatever they want and there's just no consequences." I said "H, why do you gotta do this? Bring my family into it? I don't want to get into a situation where I'm pitted against my family. You don't think I've been facing my consequences for my actions the last year and I'm a XXX." He said "No, I don't."
He then asks if I planned to go out while we were home. I said "Yes, probably, I assumed if we did that you'd be coming as well." He said "Oh, ok, so it's still fine for you to go out whenever you want to." NY, based on our conversation about the chaperone thing being just a band aid and not really addressing the true underlying trust issue, I used this as an opportunity to give him these thoughts on the "agreement" and I said "H, I agreed not to go into social situations without you while we were working on rebuilding trust, but that can't continue forever. Not allowing me to go anywhere unless you are there is simply making sure that I'm not doing anything wrong~that isn't trust." He said "And how are we supposed to rebuild trust then?" and I said "By me being understanding that things don't go back immediately to the place they were, but that we take steps slowly to eventually get back there". Throughout the rest of the conversation, he said that my family is against him and has been against him since this whole thing came out in the open and that they would love nothing more than for me to divorce him. I told him that wasn't true, that my family isn't against him, that they just want for me what any mother and father want for their daughter which is for her to be happy and respected and they just don't feel that's happening. He disagreed that they were not against him and said that they are just so "pro Heather" that they think I should do whatever I need to in order to make myself happy....their little Heather can do no wrong, what I did is fine and he should just "get over it". I said "H, they don't think what I did was fine. No one in my family thinks that. But they do think that the only way to go forward is to work it out rather than continue to harbor grudges and dispense punishment. He said "But you've never been sorry to me. Why don't you try being sorry and then we can talk about how I've reacted." I said "H, I am sorry." He said "No you're not, you've even said to me 'I can't be sorry to you'." I said "I meant that in the context as it's been hard for me to *express* my remorse to you, not that it isn't there. I did express it in the beginning, but H you kicked me out of my home, took away my key, you kept my kids from me and wouldn't let me feed or dress them, you harrassed me to the point countless times where I was curled up in a ball crying and begging you to stop, you've called me names and screamed at me to get out to go sleep in my car....a person's heart gets hardened, do you understand that?" He said "Do you honestly think I overreacted?" I said "Yes, I can understand those kinds of feelings, but not to that extreme and not to be carried on for so long". He said "you're kidding. Heather, people have *killed* their wives for cheating." I said "H, when people get that crazy about the situation, I doubt it was over a kiss". He said "that's always your saving grace isn't it, that you didn't fu@k him." I said "I just don't want you to turn it into something that it isn't". He said "well, I don't know that, I really don't. I don't know you didn't fu@k him."

He said that if we go to Michigan then we will end up coming home in a state where we are headed for divorce again and he doesn't want that (I am not sure if that was intended to be a threat or not). I said "H, the kids adore my parents and my parents *live* for those kids. I won't jeopardize that." He said "You say that, that they love the kids so much. Why then are they so quick to recommend actions that would destroy their lives forever (i.e. divorce)?" He is convinced that everyone's perspective from my side of the family is "Oh, the kids will be fine". He spent a lot of time criticizing my sister and how disprespectul she is to her H. I said "H, her husband doesn't think she's disrespectful, they have a different M than we do. Anyway, why are you being so judgmental, why do you care, it doesn't impact you one way or the other". He said "Because I've seen you two together, right in front of me, how do you act when I'm *not* there?" I said "We've had a couple of conversations about things I've did that you felt disrespected by. I never meant to hurt you or disrespect you. Last summer, you communicated some things to me that I took to heart and if there have been other instances, you need to tell me so that I can make sure I modify my behavior accordingly b/c the last thing I want to do is make you feel that way".
The night we went out with my siblings came up, where my brother got out pictures of his band and OM. I told him I realized I didn't handle it so well...he said my mother verbally attacked him, whereby I just said that wasn't true, that he had called her daughter a slut to her face and considering that he was lucky she didn't punch his fu@king lights out. He still stands by that he was "fine" that night and there was no reason we should have been offended that he took off. I said "H, no you were not fine. No one thought you were being fine." He said he did the respectable thing instead of staying at the table and causing a scene. I said "Ok, leaving the table is definitely better than causing a scene but leaving the table and not socializing with us the rest of the night was not respectable. Just b/c one alternative is better than the other doesn't mean it's respectable". He said I should have said something to my brother about getting out the picture. I can really understand why he feels this way on this issue. I should have validated more here b/c I really do understand. But I also had my reasons for the way I reacted. I told him that my brother is proud of his band and wanted to get some positive attention from my sister who he doesn't get to see very often. It's not his fault that I made this crappy decision and what right is it of mine to say "Brother, can you put that away for now?" He should not have to worry about this crap (would have been real nice and thoughtful though and saves a lot of BS!!), by no means should I expect that of him. Does that make sense? I hate to impose and make others walk on eggshells b/c of what I did. I can't ask that, I won't.
He said "My parents have never once mentioned divorcing you. Your family on the other hand would love nothing more." I said "They don't want that. They just want for us to either work things out or for you to let me go." I also told him that I can't speak for his family, but maybe it's possible that they see I am remorseful and am trying to make things work and that is why they don't suggest divorce.

The conversation ended with him saying again "I don't think you're sorry. I really don't." I know I should have said something but I didn't and he said "Well I have to go. I'll call back later tonight to talk to the kids."

I don't think I realized the full impact of what he said about people killing their wives for this kind of stuff until now as I was typing it. God, that's creepy isn't it? It really is.....how could I not have really heard that this afternoon, it just sort of went right by me.

We talked for 39 minutes and I'm not sure what to think.
Was I right about this past weekend? About him being so nice to me? Was it just so he could turn around and make these demands? I really think I was right.