Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

Maybe he feels you're having distanced away?? and that turned him into the pursuer.

Maybe. I doubt he cares enough to notice, I distanced myself from him for years while he was drinking and he never cared. We shall see. I used to just love talking to him, if he was out of town I used to call him every single day and again at night. Even before we had kids. Just to fill him in on what was going on here. He never had too much to say, even when I'd ask. That's still how he is, just quiet. But one of the things I've tried to change about how we interact is not to be the one who interacts while he sits there passive. If he doesn't want to be or learn how to be an active participant, then I just casually say, alright well I gotta letcha go. I'm usually the first to hang up these days which is totally new for me.

Seems like the perfect place for an application of acting "as if".

I think you're saying I should act as though I would if things were "normal" between us and he was being extra nice to me, i.e. no assumption of ulterior motives, just take it for what it is and express appreciation. Probably the best route, I agree. I didn't really express any appreciation. I've been thinking about that. I didn't really feel a whole lot of appreciation, at least not as much as I did confusion. So, I guess I should say something like "I had a good time this weekend, thanks for thinking of me with drinks and stuff, it was thoughtful." H was always thoughtful like that, keeping my wine rack full, buying me an $80 cheesecake for my b-day one year. Just thoughtful. But I feel like it was just a show to make things seem good on the outside when we both knew inside things were wrong. Anyway, do you think that's a good "as if" statement? I think I'm slightly confused on acting "as if" because that would be acting like I would normally act if things were better and I think I need to change how I normally acted, i.e. pulling away for a while. Does that mean "as if" isn't for me right now? Or does that mean I just act this new way "as if" it's normal and the way things are supposed to be? Technicalities

Either way you're better for what you've become.

Becoming. Some days I feel I've changed so little, it's nothing but a disappointment. It's a journey for sure.

But the waiting is always the suckiest part, isn't it?

Shaa. And I've never been patient person...

You mentioned the lack of kissing a post or two ago, is that still because of his original claim? Does he still say he'll never do it again? Does he still not ride in your car?

Kissing....it's not been brought up in a while. I'm treating it as off limits for brining up, at least by me. I'm sure you can imagine, the desire is pretty intense to just do it sometimes. But, it is definitely not my right to do that. I think it's BS, but it's still his boundary and I cannot cross it without being totally disrespectful to what he wants and what he has said. I get the feeling it's hard for him not to kiss me, but so far he has faithfully stood by his choice not to do it. So, I don't know if he still says he'll never kiss me again b/c it's been a while since I've mentioned it. The bigger deal I make of it, the harder it will be for him to let go of it. But I also think the longer it goes on, the harder it will be for him to let go of it as well. No, he still will not ride in my car. He'll never ride in this vehicle again, as soon as I've owned it long enough to trade it in without negative equity, guess who will be getting a new car? That's an easy fix. Stupid, but easy. This one just came up, before we went up to Fairfax, he asked me what car I was driving. I said "my truck". I said it with a tone of voice that was like, of course, why wouldn't I? He said "B/c the other guys are staying here this weekend too, so I don't know if I'll be able to get the rental...." I just sat there and he said "Nevermind, we'll work it out." I don't know......these aren't things I would do, but I guess it would sort of be like a person who sleeps with someone other than their spouse in the marital bed. Would the other spouse ever sleep in that bed again?? I sure as he!! wouldn't. But I didn't sleep with this guy at all much less in my truck so I don't know if the comparison works. I'm rambling...

Heather wrote that they have sex regularly, so my guess is he rides something else, if you know what I mean.

Very funny. I've thought about changing that. I mean who has sex but doesn't sleep in the same bed or kiss? I've thought about saying, not me. But I can't just not have sex. Good grief, I'm going through enough! We've always had great sex, seems stupid to throw away one of the few things we've got going for us and pretty much the only way we have to connect.

Bud, you'll appreciate this living around here. When we were up in Fairfax, my son said "people around here must eat a lot of bugs". H and I looked at each other, puzzled. We said S4, what do you mean? He said you know the show "Fear Factor", they eat tons of bugs. Fairfax....Fear Factor.....similar enough to have him thinking that they were the same thing. Kids are so funny!