Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

Heather I don't want you to feel ganged up on here

No way!! This board has saved me from feeling like I'm going through this alone. I know we are all "just" virtual friends, but it means a heck of a lot to me. You guys feel like my life line sometimes!!

S4 already knows the way to keep peace in the family is to do what H wants.

Gosh, do you really think? I guess I thought S4 would show some fear or some uncertainty or something toward H in this case.....but maybe not. I need to think more on this.

and the reason he doesn't like them is because he's a negative person and he's spewed some venom out, and he's probably embarrassed himself.

I think you're right b/c H always did love my family. He never dreaded going there, the only complaint was that my parents live 15 miles from "town" (I grew up in Hickville, ok?) and his best friend lives 15 miles out of "town" in the other direction. And of course, when we go, we only have one car. So, it was always a juggling act. HEL-LO, staying in a cottage would only make that worse. Anyway, it's only been since this last blow up that he's expressed any distaste for my family. In the recent past, he implied that I act differently when I have my "support network" around. I think he feels especially threatened by my sister b/c her and I are so close and we always get wild when we're together and I'm always more sure of myself when I'm around my family, people who've always loved and supported me.

You already did set your boundaries when you stated to him "I see [my parents] just a couple of times a year for crying out loud ... they don't get to see the kids very often" and citing that as the very reasonable premise why you wish to stay with your folks.

And here I've been thinking I didn't know how to set boundaries.....you mean I've been doing it all along and the problem is that they're just not being honored. Hmm. I've been thinking of boundaries as things that I put in place in such a way that they have to be honored....I guess there's no real way to do that, so no wonder I felt like I was missing something.

I have, however, seen my kids run out of the room to get away from the yelling. That memory breaks my heart

These little guys are our lives.....to see them show such visible signs that the environment *we've* created for them is hurting them is a real eye opener. When H and I argued over the beach vs the speaker wire extravaganza, S4 put his head down on the couch in frustration....mmm, yeah. It's a bad thing.