Learning to Trust Myself

[Burgbud]

Heather I don't want you to feel ganged up on here so feel free to practice setting boundaries in this forum any time. But NYS didn't mention the thing I reacted strongest to in your post so I wanted to say something about it.

Because the kids play into his hands every single time. He is funner than me or something, I don't know. Consider the argument H and I got into over July 4th weekend~I was going to take S4 and D2 to the beach and H was furious b/c he wanted to take S4 to the family business with him while he helped his father rewire speakers. S4 expressed he'd like to go to the beach but ultimately (after seeing H protest and fight me over the issue) "chose" to go with Daddy.

That doesn't sound to me in any way like he's funner or he's being chosen. It sounds just exactly like S4 is following an established pattern where H fights and argues until he gets his way. S4 already knows the way to keep peace in the family is to do what H wants. Obviously I know very little about the total situation in your family but this example makes me wonder if S4 hasn't already taken a lot of responsibility for the family's happiness upon himself. I have yet to meet a 4yo who would rather watch somebody wire speakers than go to the beach. But if a kid has to choose between going to the beach and watching his parents fight...

I can't remember a time my kids were in that position but it's certainly possible. If they weren't it's probably because W is more the yeller and I'm more the non-confrontational eye-rolling type, though I joined in the yelling more and more as time went on. I have, however, seen my kids run out of the room to get away from the yelling. That memory breaks my heart and is breaking my heart right now. I would rather be divorced than see that again.