Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

I was first married at 26, divorced at 37. Had two kids with her. Had a few relationships after that, including an on again.off again 4 year relationship that I eventually ended, only to meet the gal who became my second W and great love of my life.

Wow, it's weird to think the person one is with may not be the love of their life...how frightening and intriguing at the same time.

It doesn't matter if you have children together or not.

I'll be the first to admit that sometimes when people say they want to stay together for the kids, what they are really saying is "It is *I* who cannot bear to be separated from my children, so I will stay *because* of them, not necessarily *for* them".

It's better for children not to live in that kind of environment anyway.

I haven't been able to determine this yet. There are proponents on both sides of the argument. I cannot see from their eyes so I do not know how much this is affecting them.....my father slept on the couch my entire childhood, he still does to this day. They told me it was because he snores. Maybe that was the real reason, maybe it wasn't. I think I'm ok though, as a child.......I started trying to justify this and relate it to me but literally as I was typing I realized that I was in fact embarrassed to have friends sleep over b/c I knew it was weird....among other weird things at my house as a kid but anyway....
Well, that was a fruitless path, sorry. Bottom line, it's hard for me to tell if and how much the kids are being affected by what's going on. They seem pretty darn happy to me and they are certainly crazy about their father. Seems if they were being affected so deeply they would be weary of him and they absolutely are not.

how is it he has power but you do not? Is it because he's willing to "wield" the power but you put the children first?

Because the kids play into his hands every single time. He is funner than me or something, I don't know. Consider the argument H and I got into over July 4th weekend~I was going to take S4 and D2 to the beach and H was furious b/c he wanted to take S4 to the family business with him while he helped his father rewire speakers. S4 expressed he'd like to go to the beach but ultimately (after seeing H protest and fight me over the issue) "chose" to go with Daddy. What can I possibly say? I cannot make him come with me. So yeah, in many ways H definitely exercises his power with the kids. Same with daycare. If we ask them who they would rather have take them, S4 will say daddy about 98% of the time and D2 probably 75% of the time. I can't figure it out. Except maybe they think I'm boring or don't pay as much attention to them, but I try. I talk to them, we listen to kids music or they can watch tv....I don't know what else to try.

Set and enforce boundaries.

Here's a perfect chance for me to do just that. I need help. We have a vacation scheduled at the end of this month to go home to Michigan, which is where we are both from although H's parents have moved here and mine are still up there.
I mentioned to H wanting to firm up the dates that we'll be there b/c my sister wants to try to meet us up there. He said "can't we go on a vacation without your sister?" WTF?? So, we went back and forth on that topic for a couple minutes. Then he says "I don't want to spend all my time at your parents' house, I mean all *our* time". I said "Ok, so what are you saying?" He said "Maybe we can rent a cottage or something.". We have always stayed with my parents. I seem them just a couple of times a year for crying out loud and they ADORE our kids. S4 especially has a great relationship with my mother, which means a lot to me to preserve. I said "H, we always stay with my parents, they don't get to see the kids very often, why would we stay at a cottage?" He said "Because we're a family, why wouldn't we stay at a cottage. I don't really get along with my in-laws anymore. I'd like to go to the wedding (his side of the family) and I'd like to see Todd (his best friend), but we don't even have to go." I just sat there in silence. Thankfully his battery on his cell phone was dying, so we had to hang up.
Apparently, he is carrying resentment about the night we went out with my siblings and when he came home that night, my mother later told me he said to her "Your slut daughter is going back to the bar where she cheated on me...". He also said to my mother "She's never been sorry, do you know that? She's never been sorry to me for what she did." My mother said "Have you ever been sorry to her for the things you've done, have you ever told her you were sorry that you didn't stop drinking the night she went into labor? Why won't you go to counseling with her to try to work through these things?"
So, now apparently he is harboring resentment toward them all. He's damn lucky my mother didn't punch his lights out, calling me a slut. What did he think she was going to do, AGREE with him??!
So, now I've got more problems as he is going to try to drive a wedge between me, the kids and my family. My family absolutely hates him, he doesn't know the half of it and of course I keep those things to myself as I don't want things to be difficult if we reconcile. My family will have to forgive him and I've told them that.

So what do I do? How do I set boundaries here?