I've never recognized H's behavior as abuse, even now I struggle with it. It's much easier for me to look back and characterize it as abuse than it is for me acknowledge present behavior as abuse. That aside, when we lived in Michigan I could always go home to my parents' house. I could escape whenever I wanted to. When we moved to VA, I no longer had anywhere to escape to. THAT was hard. H's drinking became more frequent, he was drinking six nights a week usually (we did not marry until several years later, I call him H here for convenience). We lived in a one bedroom apartment that I hated and I was really, really miserable. I looked forward to going to college (I was working full time for a year waiting to attain residency so I didn't have to pay out-of-state tuition) and I fantasized about joining a sorority and moving into the house to get away from H. I loved him, but I can't remember why I loved him back then. I stayed because I had a lot in my future to look forward to and now was not the right time to leave although I fantasized about it frequently during this time. Besides, in the meantime, H may come around and stop drinking so much. I started school and joined a sorority, dismayed to find they didn't have a sorority house. I commuted, as the school was only 10 minutes from my house (H and I bought a house together right before I started school b/c crappy apt was broken into and they stole everything we owned and I was NOT going back there). Slowly but surely I started to let my colors shine and refused to be told what to wear, etc. It was a very slow process and there were plenty of fights, he regularly called me a "taker", but I remember tears on H's part, he didn't want to lose me. But he knew he had to change or he would. The outright controlling eventually went away, and so did the temper he had.....he stopped throwing things, pushing me and hitting things. All pretty positive stuff. During these years, he cut back on his drinking as well. He would still drink up to 18 beers at a time, but he didn't drink as often, probably on 4 nights a week as opposed to 6. He stayed up very late at night, played video games a lot and slept half the day away on the weekends b/c he couldn't get up. We fought a lot about the amount of alcohol he drank (sooo odd, the awareness of how much he drank seemed to increase as he cut back...you'd think it would have been the other way around) and we also fought a lot about how much time he spent playing video games and sleeping. I felt ignored. During this time I stayed though because I think I felt some good things were happening as I was becoming more my own person, H had less control over me. Plus I was very busy with working and going to school and my sorority. H ignored me, but I had other stuff to do so it wasn't as big of a deal as it would have been if I wasn't in school. H proposed to me the week before I graduated college. Of course I said yes, I don't think I'd had active thoughts of leaving him since we lived in the apt. I knew I still didn't like a lot of his behavior and the way he treated me, but leaving wasn't something I remember considering at this point. There were a couple times during the engagement that I almost called it off though. I had a roomate lined up at one point and was thinking I should move out. Looking back, I can see that my life had probably calmed down significantly with having graduated and I probably wanted more of his time which he was pretty unwilling to give. We fought a great deal. H's sister moved down here about this time with her H, she was pregnant with a boy. Their company took my mind of things somewhat although I confided in her about H's drinking problem. About 7 months after H proposed, I found out I was pregnant. I had gone off birth control, knowing we wanted to try for a baby as soon as we were married. I was sure I was going to have problems getting pregnant b/c my sister did. So, I wanted to get the birth control "out of my system". Yeah, sure, whatever Heather. Pregnant the next month. I was shocked. Really shocked. I don't think I had thought through actually having a baby, but I was all for it. So was H. We were really, really excited. I was seven months pregnant at my wedding, that wasn't so great, but we'd been together so long, I truly don't think anyone gave it a second thought. I remember my wedding being one of the last truly happy times with H, he was sooo affectionate with me and our wedding was awesome. We had so much to look forward to and I was sure that having a baby would change all the things about him I didn't like with the drinking and staying up late and sleeping in. I was forever zoning in on the future at this point, always confident that the future was going to be happier than the present. But I became really obssessed with H's drinking problem. Although he continued to drink less and less, alcohol's priority in his life never changed if that makes sense, it was still always more important than me, the nights always rigid and set in stone and controlling everything we did. We got married on a Friday, which was a drinking night. H waited until Saturday (the reception) to drink, which is one of the few times he's moved around his drinking schedule, but I worried about it a lot before the wedding wondering if he would be drunk on our wedding night. The whole honeymoon, I kept wondering if he was going to be able to go a whole week without drinking, but he did. As I got closer to my due date, I expected that H would not drink as much or as often b/c I may have to go to the hospital at any time. I was wrong, he always drank on his scheduled nights no matter what, even as I was overdue. H drank three nights a week at this point and sure enough, the night I went into labor was a drinking night, my water broke at about 8:30pm after H had already had a few. My mother was here and I couldn't "convince" H that I was in labor even though my water had broke! He clearly didn't want to stop drinking...he had two or three more and finally my mother had to ask him to please stop b/c I was going to need him. He did stop, but I have never forgotten or forgiven that night I don't think. Having a baby did change my H, for sure. In ways I could never have imagined. I didn't have a clue he would be such a great dad. B/c of the wedding, we were broke and could only afford for me to take two weeks off after having our son. Needless to say, I didn't bond well with him in such a short time and actually was more afraid of him and how I was going to be able to get enough sleep to go to work was a constant worry. H really stepped up. But I never had that special bond with my son.......sometimes I wonder if that is why we still have problems to this day. Well, eventually I came to feel left out as son never wanted me always wanted H. H cut his drinking down to two nights a week and only drank up to 14 at a time now, but we fought more about it than ever. Right after son was born, I got a new job, a great job (I still work there). I started studying for the CPA exam when son was only 9 months old. H was out of town so I was taking care of the house, working full time, taking care of son and a sick dog that we fought about constantly. Every night I studied from 8-11pm. Literally, every night and then I would wake up and do it all over again. I needed H's emotional support soo badly, but never got it. I passed the exam with flying colors the first time around, which is pretty rare. As soon as we found out I passed, we started trying for baby #2. A few months later, I was pregnant. I was determined to have a different relationship with my daughter. I took three months off from work and bonded with her. She was my redemption as a mother, she preferred me. I was overjoyed with my new baby as she taught me that I really was a good mother. Well gang, the rest is history and pretty current history at that, as daughter is only 2 1/2. My reasons for staying varied through each stage of our R, but the main reason seems to be that the future always seemed so bright regardless of what the present felt like. And my reasons for staying now are mostly because I have two babies that live and breathe their mommy and daddy and I can't take that away from them.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
