Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

Journaling~
Ok, digging deep here. The Emotional Abuse book asks some questions that I'm going to answer out loud as best I can as some of you may be wondering why I'm with H b/c it seems I have nothing good to say.....

Understand why you chose an abusive partner.....

Hmm. I was a troubled girl when I met my H. I was 17 and had been in quite a downward spiral for two years by this time. At 15, I met my first love....I was wild about him but he broke my heart, he might say I broke his, I had so little self esteem I did things to keep him at a distance.....I didn't recover well from that breakup. I had very little parental guidance and had freedom that no teenage girl should have, as the maturity to make good decisions is seriously lacking at that age. I was getting drunk and high on the weekends. I lost my virginity in a painful way and continued to have one night stands in an alcoholic haze where to this day I remember very little, if even their names. When I met my H, he was like a breath of fresh air. He was a virgin. He didn't get high. He had strong morals, he was sure about what was right and what was wrong and he acted accordingly. He set boundaries for me that my parents couldn't or wouldn't set. He let me know what was ok for me to do and what wasn't. He had a perverse interest in every detail of what went on during my one night stand encounters. I was hurt and confused as to why he had to have such details and every time we discussed it, which was really often I wondered if today would be the day he would realize how disgusting I was and that he no longer wanted to be associated with me. Sometimes he would get really quiet and I'd have to coax out of him what was bothering him and he'd tell me he was thinking about some of the things I'd done. He would ask me how I could have done those things, why would I do that? I would cry, tell him how bad I felt about it, how much I wish I could change it. Sometimes I couldn't coax out of him what was wrong and he would just leave in that mood, leave me wondering if we were over. Sometimes he would tell me he thought of another question about the one night stands that he needed answered and my heart would freeze b/c I didn't want to talk about it anymore. But I thought if he could hear everything, every bad thing I'd ever done or thought, and he still loved me, then I was cleansed. I was redeemed. Free to start over and start being a good person. Despite all his good morals, I should note that even back then, he was an alcoholic and it was fairly obvious, however, it went undiagnosed by me even though at the time I met him he didn't have a license due to a DUI offense.
I listened to everything he said, did everything he wanted. I was incredibly in tune with his reactions and if anything I did got a negative reaction, I quit doing it. Granted he was controlling, but I made it soooo easy. I wanted his acceptance so badly I would have bled for it. I quit listening to my music, dance music. We listened to his music, which I never really liked but pretended I did. I wasn't allowed to dance at parties. I wasn't allowed out of his sight really. I wasn't allowed out with my friends anymore, but they were bad news anyway. I didn't wear the clothes he didn't like. I bought new clothes he did like. I didn't wear silver jewelry anymore b/c he didn't like it. He replaced my stuff with gold. When an incident came about where I acted at my own discretion, I paid for it later through a fight and a thorough period of silent treatment. Once I got a little nail ring put in my pinky nail at the suggestion of my nail tech. He was furious I didn't check with him first. For senior girls' night out, we were supposed to be out with girls only. Eventually the girls all went to a "co-ed" party....he was absolutely livid even though he himself had been at a "co-ed" party. For my senior prom, he limited my dress choices to black and white dresses b/c he wanted to go in black in white even though it was my prom. One time I bought a leather jacket that I knew he didn't like. He didn't spend x-mas with me that year.
He used to work two jobs and it was usually my responsibility to wake him up as he would sleep through alarm clocks....he was so mean to me, I didn't want him to be late for his job or miss his class so I would pester him to get up....god he was evil. I would justify his behavior and soothe my hurt feelings by tellin myself it was because he was working two jobs or that he was half asleep and didn't know what he was saying or how he was acting. I would spend hours with him at the gas station he worked at, he used to work the night shift. I would be so tired and want to go home, but was afraid to tell him I wanted to leave. I was afraid of losing his acceptance and I lived with that fear every day.
Why did I choose an abusive partner? Because I was 17, my self esteem was nil and I needed the acceptance of someone who was better than me.

To be continued...