Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

And that suggests what he really thinks is: "I don't respect you, so why should anyone else."

Yeah...I guess I just keep hoping I can earn his respect back along with his trust. It just really muddies the water that I betrayed our M vows, it just throws a huge wrench into something that was already messed up and it increases the amount of BS I'm willing to put up with b/c I know a lot of this is my fault. I don't like the way H is treating me, but when you hurt someone, you don't get to control the way they react. Consequences weren't meant to be fun I guess.

You don't "beget" his behavior.

On some level, I have to b/c no one would act the way H acts otherwise......I am not by any means a model person. I cheated on my H, I have a temper, I'm impatient, I'm self centered, I'm indecisive and I don't listen well. Those are negative qualities I see in myself, not based on how anyone else views me. I know I have shortcomings and I know they've played into the downfall of my M. If H would just be more specific with me, I could figure out exactly how and try to change those things around immediately. Instead, I'm flailing around like a fish out of water trying to solve a puzzle before I run out of breath. Can fish solve puzzles....maybe I'll start a thread on that...

Trust me Heather, there are divorce attorneys out there that would get fighting mad over H's attitude about not supporting you or the kids if you left him and would gladly rip into him like piranha.

Oops, I meant emotional support not monetary support, i.e. as in he doesn't have to support any efforts of mine, including my efforts with the kids. Sorry for the confusion. I make more money than he does and for all I know, I'd be the one paying child support...

I'll paraphrase it like this: if your woman can't rely on you for anything, why should she be with you?

If not for our babies, I think the answer would be obvious to me. I love my husband. There is no person on this earth I'd rather be with. But not at the expense of my own self respect. If not for our babies, my solution would be to leave. Leave with the hopes that some time apart would serve us well in the long run. But it's about more than me, more than us. I don't want to battle with my H over custody of my children and god knows what else. I don't want to be the one who takes them away from their daddy. In beginning such an endeavor I could forget about being able to fix anything between us as things would only continue to get worse and worse as we both fought for custody of our kids, each believing we're in the best position to have decision making authority. It would be a nightmare.