Learning to Trust Myself

[Burgbud]

I wrote:
And please say H doesn't tell you you're being unreasonable right at that moment in front of S4.
And you responded:
He will,
...quite bad...
but only at my prompting of course
...not worst case but still bad. And I wouldn't call asking for help "prompting".

I wonder if any of my old high school history teachers could spare a lesson in monotone......

Ben Stein's got plenty to spare but he makes a lot of money with his...

You cannot make someone respect you even if he's only four. Right?

I'm not sure but I know you can make your son show you proper courtesy, which is a form of respect. If you greet S4 while he's on the couch and he ignores you, I think you want to be the one to try to correct his behavior. You don't want to add to an impression S4 may have that he only has to mind his dad. H should back you up but if he doesn't it's not the end of the world. If you then continue to take the appropriate steps with S4 to correct his behavior and H actively counters you then that's obviously very very bad. If H just continues to ignore the situation that ain't good but not awful, IMO. Can S4 get in trouble if you tell him one thing and H just sits there and doesn't back you up? He11 yes.

H would not have allowed S4 to treat his grandma that way....Naturally, I said WTH does that have to do with anything?....when it comes to S4 and me, there is no doubt in my mind that he takes pleasure in watching me struggle, particularly if him and I are not getting along.

H letting S4 treat you in a way he wouldn't let S4 treat grandma, (or maybe anyone else at all?) sets off flashing red lights in my mind the way nothing else had so far, until you brought up the idea that he enjoys seeing you struggle with S4, particularly if you're not getting along. I'm going to shout now, just to make myself feel better, so please don't take it personally. NOT ONLY IS HE PUTTING HIS PETTY FEELINGS IN FRONT OF YOUR NEEDS HE'S PUTTING THEM IN FRONT OF DOING WHAT YOUR SON NEEDS!!!! Okay, I feel a little better. This has really got to stop. I admire you for taking the approach that one person's behavior can change the R for both people. Just don't wait forever for him to change on critical issues like this.

I wrote H may be absolutely correct that your son adores you but surely he can understand that doesn't excuse being discourteous and not acknowledging a simple greeting. and you responded He certainly couldn't at the time. Does he now?

As for him being tired all the time that could be depression but it could certainly also be sleep apnea. You can google it and get good information, but basically sleep apnea is when you stop breathing during sleep and you have to wake up a little bit for your body to kick the breathing mechanism back on. This prevents you from getting enough deep, restorative sleep. I can remember sitting on the sofa watching some sporting event I didn't care about thinking to myself, "Why don't I feel like going out and doing something with the kids? It's 3:00 in the afternoon on a gorgeous Saturday and I'm watching some stupid crap I don't even care about?" I was always very protective of my sleep; I knew I couldn't really function well on fewer than 8 hours. But even when I got that much I started nodding off when we'd see movies at the theater. Eventually it got the point, about 3 years ago, when I actually started catching myself waking up to catch my breath when I was just starting to nod off in bed. I started going to bed late so I would be tired enough that I'd really crash and not notice the waking up. There are online quizzes a person can go through to see how likely they are to be suffering from sleep apnea.

There are two main types of sleep apnea: central and obstructive. Central is when your nervous system doesn't send your body the correct signals to breathe. It's very difficult to do much for central apnea. Obstructive apnea is caused by the airway being unable to keep itself open under the relaxed, lower air pressure conditions of sleep. Being overweight is a big contributor and I'm sure that's what made mine get worse and worse. It's possible I wouldn't have the problem any more, or maybe it would go away with 10 or 20 more lost pounds. But I also may have it no matter how good of shape I'm in. I use a CPAP at night, which is a machine that blows air in through my nose to keep the airway pressurized and open. It's worked wonders, but not as quickly as I'd hoped. I was thinking that I wasn't sleeping *too* badly without the machine, so maybe when I got it I'd be able to get SUPER SLEEP and get by with less, but that hasn't been the case. I can function well on six hours or so, though, which would have been the kiss of death in the pre-CPAP days. And I no longer get drowsy when driving, which is a big plus!

Anyway, if you notice H seeming to gasp for air (not a huge gasp, just significantly more than normal breathing) when sleeping on a frequent basis, it would definitely be worthwhile to try to get him into a sleep study, where they monitor you all night and tell you if you need treatment. 5 apneas an hour is considered acceptable. I had 5 apneas an hour when sleeping on my side but 50 apneas an hour when sleeping on my back. They wanted to see if I could get by with just sleeping on my side, but that kind of shifted the problem to where I was worse on my side. So I went back for a second test where they hooked me up to a CPAP to see how much it helped. It was night and day, and two weeks later I had my machine. I won't say I was bursting with energy after that, but I at least got the place where if I felt like doing something (i.e. playing outside with the kids on a nice day) I'd do it instead of feeling glued to the sofa. Now that I've lost the weight as well, I hate sitting on the sofa for long periods.

Anyway, it doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that a consistent lack of sleep tends to make someone selfish with their physical, mental and emotional energy. You just feel like you can't take on anyone's issues and you try to strip away as many requirements from your life as you can. So it's certainly worth looking into in H's case. And there are other sleep disorders that can be uncovered in a sleep study, so even if it isn't apnea it may be worth checking into.