Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

giving hugs and kisses isn't manners, it's affection.

That's true, it's a good way to view the situation so as to instill respect but not to infringe on my child's rights to display their affection or not to display it.

I worry about why S4 treats H so much differently than he treats me. I worry that he is aware of the power of what he does. That it hurts my feelings, I've told him before that it does, on a child's level, i.e. S4 it hurts mommy's feelings when you move away when I try to sit next to you. I worry that he thinks that is what daddy wants. I worry that I'm reading things into his behavior that aren't there. D2 gravitates toward me, but she has a healthy relationship with both of us. Plenty of times she prefers Daddy and of course I don't get worried. I feel comfortable that she has healthy bonds with both of us. I don't feel that way with S4. If I was equally as paranoid with both of my children, I'd be more inclined to accept that the problem resides in my head. Plus I see that H is very good about guiding S4 with how he treats D2. Affectionate nicknames, saying "we miss our D2, don't we S4?"...things like that. When S4 mistreats D2, H is very good about correcting the behavior. So, it's not like H is just clueless on the inter-relations in the home.

I know how desperately you want your husband to stop using S4 against you. It must be incredibly demoralizing. But you feed the fire when you show him how much it hurts you. And you give your son a sense of power over his parents' relationship, and no child should feel that. He may find it somewhat thrilling, but he is also craving boundaries.

This makes complete sense. I just don't know to handle all of this myself....I'm really struggling, I don't know where to focus my energy...I'm trying to save my M, trying to save my R with my son, trying to change myself for the better, trying to remain a good employee....it's overwhelming.

Thank you for being here, it gives me the objectivity and support that I can't seem to get from the other "adult" who lives in this house. Your perspective is really, really helpful b/c you have young children and you are going through the joys and challenges of parenting yourself. Something stood out in one of your posts on your thread...."there's just something about the way a little boy loves his mommy"......I felt a pang when I read that b/c I really wouldn't know about that....I know my son loves me, of course he does. But I only know that b/c I know it not because I feel that specialness that you're referring to.