Quote: He got up this morning and walked past me but wouldn't come and give me a good morning hug when I asked. So, later I tried to ruffle his hair and kiss his neck and he said "that's not what I came over here for" (he was looking for a toy). I told him not to talk like that, he was being very rude. Probably over his head, any suggestions for what to say in a case like this would be very appreciated....perhaps nothing?
I'm a tyrant about manners with my children, but have a firm belief that physical affection must not be legislated... giving hugs and kisses isn't manners, it's affection. You can insist on a polite "good morning" acknowledgement, stating that that is how we speak to one another in this home. However, kids should feel like they have control over their personal space... even hugs and kisses. This is an area that is a bit tough for me, because I'm extraordinarily physically affectionate and constantly touching my kids. BUT both my kids are more like their dad and are less physical. They do thrive on the affection, but will sometimes pull back. I may desire that show of love, but it's their right to withhold it. D2 will say to me very politely "Thank you Mummy, but not right now." And I'll immediately back off. That's just my philosophy.
Quote: H has been in the same room with us the entire time and never says a word to S4 about the way he is talking to me or reacting to me. Perhaps I am expecting too much of him by wanting him to say something? So then S4 gets off the couch and lays down by H. H never says a word. So, I got visibly angered and said "fine, I guess I'll take a shower then" and I slammed the bathroom door, not off the hinges, but harder than I needed to.
Sounds like all three of you should be expecting more of one another. S4 is smart enough to recognize that his affection is currency in your home... he's certainly smart enough to understand simple courtesies. So, yes, you can expect courtesy.
Your H should want his son to respect his mother and want show a united front to him, so yes you should be able to expect that... it's not too much to ask of your parenting copartner.
And they should expect that you won't lose your temper over who S4 choses to snuggle with.
Quote: I remember coming home from work one night and S4 was sitting on H's lap watching a movie and S4 wouldn't acknowledge my greeting when I came in the door, I was like "S4, Mommy said hi". Nothing. H never said a word. WTF??
This is an area where I absolutely believe you should be able to enforce some kind of greeting. Like I said before "In this house, we acknowledge each other. It's good manners." The flip side of this is that it's meaningless if you and H give each other the silent treatment and withhold polite greetings. S4 will pick up on this and recognize a double standard. My H and I still give each other a friendly "Hello" when we see each other, so that the kids have a good model of manners. We have been known to end up smiling and shaking our heads at the phoniness of it all, since we'd really rather say "F You!" sometimes.
I know how desperately you want your husband to stop using S4 against you. It must be incredibly demoralizing. But you feed the fire when you show him how much it hurts you. And you give your son a sense of power over his parents' relationship, and no child should feel that. He may find it somewhat thrilling, but he is also craving boundaries.
Good luck. It sounds like a very stressful and painful way to live. I don't know how I'd handle it, I can just say how I like the THINK I'd handle it.
