"this" (abusive?) is the way H has always been. And after a while, "this" (abusive?) is the way I was back
This behavior is addressed in the book. When both spouses become abusive. I myself could pick out several forms of abuse types my H fell under. The down side I recognized one that I myself engage in on a regular basis. This has just given me one more thing to work on for myself. And if I stop this behavior myself it may lessen his abusive behavior also.
.....it seems wrong to characterize it as abuse when I've been allowing it to happen all along,
Why do you feel it wrong. You were not fully aware before that this was abusive behavior.
if I characterize what's going on in my R as abuse it seems encumbant on me to do something, i.e. to leave
Encumbant to do something yes. But leaving is not the only option the book also addresses this.
He doesn't love me b/c one doesn't treat someone they love the way H treats me.
Your sister wants you to be happy is all. But fact is that people who are abusive ie controlling, manipulative and such usually do this out of love and fear of lose. Family always wants us to be safe and happy and will point out what they see as the easy way for us to achieve that goal.
