it seems wrong to characterize it as abuse when I've been allowing it to happen all along, which sort of implies consent.
It is abusive behavior, and as such it is not defined on the contingency of its being "allowed" to happen.
Do you wanna philosophize about this, or do you want to end the patterns?
I've consented to the treatment for 13 years and now I'm deciding it's abusive and it must stop. There's guilt for changing the rules unbeknownst to my H. I need to figure out a way to tell him the rules have changed so it's not a secret.
This "consent" that you sense is implied is part and parcel of the abused's reasoning to mitigate their abuser's actions. If "abuse" and "abused" and "abuser" are too harsh words for you to be comfortable with, let's use different words... it's the behaviors that are the bottom line. There is no guilt in deciding that enough is enough or that past patterns need to change. Understand where those kinds of thoughts are coming from.
Telling him the rules have changed is called, "setting boundaries".
The second reason that I'm prone to denying is that it feels if I characterize what's going on in my R as abuse it seems encumbant on me to do something, i.e. to leave.
It is incumbent on you to do something if you want a healthier emotional life. Leaving is one option.
Dr. Phil likes to say people treat you the way you allow them to treat you, implying it is your fault if you're being abused.
You're reading that into it. You're not to blame. You're not the one dishing out that behavior. All you did was become susceptible to being abused. If I walk in a dark alley in a crime ridden area late at night, I'm putting myself in a possibly dangerous situation. If I get mugged, I'm not the one who did the mugging. If the police catch the creeps and haul them off to court, the judge wouldn't find me responsible for their mugging me, right? The idea is to not put yourself in a dangerous situation. The idea is to firmly have boundaries and keep to them. The idea is to assess whether or not there's reason to continue in the relationship with that person. The idea is to take care of yourself. You walked into a dark alley and have been there a while getting mugged.
I said "BUT, I would have been more than happy to leave D2 up if you just would have said, I'm really missing her and looking forward to seeing her do you think you could handle her for another hour or so? Instead of just getting mad at me when I told you I was getting her ready for bed. So, hopefully I conveyed what good communication would have been, I'm still learning what constitutes "good" myself. But I know what I would have wanted to hear and I told him.
That's a great step. I'd just modify it by not using what may be construed as blaming or accusatory language so as to preclude H from seeing it as a criticism. So, in your example of: "if you just would have said, I'm really missing her..." I'd have said "I would've liked to hear what you wanted" or some such thing. When you make it about yourself, the other person can't take it personally.
H wanted something and tried to emotionally badger me into doing it.
Hey! I've got an idea... if this helps... instead of calling it "abuse", let's call it "Badgering"!!
When he got home and I realized his treatment wasn't any better, I went to my room and read. Stayed clear of him.
Great! That's exactly what to do. But let him know why you're leaving the room; the consequences of his behavior. "Ouch! I don't like how I'm being treated. Stop it. I'm going to go to bed now, goodnight."
