Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

I get the sense that you're looking at why he's not an abuser, and perhaps that stems from your feelings that you're responsible for his behavior, or denial, because that comes through on your posts too.

I can see where you're coming from and I think there are a couple of reasons for this. First, "this" (abusive?) is the way H has always been. And after a while, "this" (abusive?) is the way I was back. I've told H to shut up before, although I don't think ever when we weren't in the middle of a heated fight....but my point is that now that I'm recognizing the behavior for what it is and trying to stop it immediately on my behalf and eventually on his.....it seems wrong to characterize it as abuse when I've been allowing it to happen all along, which sort of implies consent. So, I've consented to the treatment for 13 years and now I'm deciding it's abusive and it must stop. There's guilt for changing the rules unbeknownst to my H. I need to figure out a way to tell him the rules have changed so it's not a secret.
The second reason that I'm prone to denying is that it feels if I characterize what's going on in my R as abuse it seems encumbant on me to do something, i.e. to leave. A woman who stays in an abusive R and allows a man to treat her this way....well, there are insinuations. For instance Dr. Phil likes to say people treat you the way you allow them to treat you, implying it is your fault if you're being abused. And if you want to stop it, then you have no other choice but to put your foot down and in no uncertain terms tell the abuser that you're not putting up with it anymore. I lose self respect by staying and I lose the respect of others who know what's going on, which is family and a couple close friends. My sister especially loves to ask me why I still want to be with a man who doesn't love me. He doesn't love me b/c one doesn't treat someone they love the way H treats me. She tells me I will be so much happier someday if I would just leave. I'm not convinced b/c I know H does love me and Bud has been doing a great job of conveying that the man inside can be much different than the behavior he's displaying. I want to keep the man but change the behavior, so I don't WANT to leave.

Does that make sense? I'm really new at so many of these realizations and I haven't put them all together in my head yet.

Yesterday, H mentioned me not leaving D2 up Friday night. I said "Doing all the parenting and everything by myself all week is really a lot and by the time Friday night rolls around I'm exhausted." He said, "Yeah, I know, it is a lot". I said "BUT, I would have been more than happy to leave D2 up if you just would have said, I'm really missing her and looking forward to seeing her do you think you could handle her for another hour or so? Instead of just getting mad at me when I told you I was getting her ready for bed.
So, hopefully I conveyed what good communication would have been, I'm still learning what constitutes "good" myself. But I know what I would have wanted to hear and I told him. It will be a learning process. Learning to respond and address one another in a different way.
All in all, I think it was a pretty successful endeavor. H wanted something and tried to emotionally badger me into doing it. I held my ground and didn't give in, but never got angry. When he got home and I realized his treatment wasn't any better, I went to my room and read. Stayed clear of him. I came out and said I was tired and was going to bed and I'd see him in the morning. Kept it upbeat like I wasn't at all affected by his mood. Then, when things cooled down and he was receptive to me, he brought it up. I told him how he could have handled it to get what he wanted from me.

That's worse than someone who doesn't realize what they're doing, isn't it?

Yes, it is worse, I meant to convey that in my post but didn't.

You were surprised when you read your therapist's list of how things go in a non-abusive relationship. You thought that other relationships are pretty much like yours?

I guess I must have. I never really spent too much time considering how others interact. I guess I thought other couples had the same power struggles we did.

BTW, yesterday H was much more friendly. In fact, he held the car door open for me which he hasn't done since pre-A. It was one of the few respectful gestures he has made directly toward me in a year. I made sure to say thank you.