The author also said that most abusers don't have a clue what they are doing to their partner and that usually they do not do it on purpose, it's usually a result of having been abused themself as a child. This is where I think H already differs from the type of person the author is talking about.
"usually" doesn't mean "always". From many of your accounts, there is an abuse pattern, H uses different methods, different times, and they all add up. I get the sense that you're looking at why he's not an abuser, and perhaps that stems from your feelings that you're responsible for his behavior, or denial, because that comes through on your posts too.
Pages 10 and 95 of the "emotionally abusive" book states that there is a tendency for the abused to make excuses for the abusive partner's behavior and/or blame themselves.
I feel like in the big picture, the things he does are in fact calculated.
That's worse than someone who doesn't realize what they're doing, isn't it?
The hard part for me that I'm still trying to figure out is whether or not there is a consistent pattern of abuse. ... So, I'm left wondering if I didn't bring on the "shut up" by accusingly saying that it was late.
Again, I repeat my first statement above. You're blaming yourself for his actions, but only he's responsible for his actions. He could've replied any number of ways, from "I feel you're holding me responsible, I don't think I am though" to "I'm sorry. I did keep him up too late." But "shut up"... what is that? That's control, Heather. It's dismissive and dominating.
Bottom line is, whether he does it knowingly or not, it constitutes a fair amount of abusive behavior. You were surprised when you read your therapist's list of how things go in a non-abusive relationship. You thought that other relationships are pretty much like yours?
Try this. As you read through the book, pretend that H and you are another couple, so that you can look at the people more objectively.
