Learning to Trust Myself

[Burgbud]

Telling you that you're feelings are silly because they aren't the same as mine???

That's the crux of the problem right there.

Do you think it would be helpful to reflect on what makes him feel like a man?

Basically, no. Sorry.

That's the thing-he thought he had that security that he never had to worry about me

I think we're talking about a little bit different things here. Let me put it this way...put aside your kiss for a moment, let's say it was the day before that. Was he happy with himself and his life then? Did he seem like a confident person who was attracting positive things into his life? Did he appear to be the kind of person that most of the LBS's on this board are trying to become? I'll bet he didn't. I'll bet he seemed like a guy who was trying to scheme a way to keep his head above water in life. Analysis has worked for him so far; figuring out the angles and playing them. But that doesn't lead to confidence. As life goes on he's realizing, probably subconsciously, that there's more and more in his life that he has to try to analyze and control. So he withdraws and tries to cut his life down to a manageable number of elements he has to stress about. That was me to a T. I didn't set up a schedule for every day, but I was highly reluctant to go anywhere or do anything that had some aspect that could go wrong (traffic, dealing with new people, whatever). The point is, no matter how smart you are and how well you can manipulate events, in the end you can't control a good life to yourself. You have to adopt a mindset and spirit that attracts a good life to yourself. He has to somehow make this leap. The security he needs isn't that he never has to worry about you. He needs to believe in himself enough to think he's a person you wouldn't want to leave. As long as he doesn't have that he'll always worry about you, and he'll always use the techniques he believes he has available (sexual satisfaction, limiting your exposure to interesting people, etc) to try to hold on to you and thus to his status as a man. Put another way, he has to believe he's a man and that you're attracted to the man he is, rather than believe that you're the proof that he's a man and he has to hold on to that at all costs. And unfortunately, I don't think there's much you can do to make him believe he's a man without you. At some point he'll have to realize his life isn't working the way he wants the way it is and he has to grow up, let go, and make himself the person he wants to be.

Maybe the best, or even the only, way you can help move him to where he needs to be is to follow the plan you've already laid out for yourself. Become independent of his control and his tactics. If he eventually really feels that, yet understands that you want to be with him, perhaps he'll give up trying to control what he clearly is not controlling and believe in himself.

There's one other rather extreme measure I'm thinking of bringing up, but I'd better think on it more. I guess for now I'm curious if you think you see what I mean about him not needing outside reassurance of his masculinity, but rather a more profound change within him that he accepts his masculinity without need for outside affirmation. If he bases his masculinity on your assurances, he's still in the same place he currently is. He has to believe he's man enough for you, not that you prove him to be man enough for the world.

Bottom line is I don't think he's hopeless, not by a long shot. But there's a critical spiritual leap he needs to make. Maybe it's called growing up. But it's the point where you realize you can get what you want out of life by giving and trusting others to give back rather than by figuring out techniques by which they'll give you what you want. Maybe that also means you have to scale back a little bit of what you want out of life, but that's okay too. Is that coherent? There's something I really want to say here, for both your benefit and mine. I feel like I don't quite have my finger on expressing it.

I'm telling you I want to be your fantasy and that I'm willing to listen and really get into it and you tell me to figure it out on my own...... How many H's out there would love to hear those words from their W? And I meant them, they weren't just words to try to please him...pleasing him would please me. Isn't that ideal??

Um, yes. Damn.

Okay, I had something else here but realized there's a lot more to this than I first thought. And again, I feel like it's important for me to work through for my own clarity. If I don't update this post within an hour, I'll do it tomorrow.