Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

He doesn't see it as an "either/or", so it's not "rather" one than the other.

Lucky him, huh? It seems that many of the WAS's don't see their situations as an "either/or" either. How convenient for him and for them.

As far as whether or not it's cheating, all I'll say is that to him it's not cheating. It's not cheating because there's not another person involved. It's not cheating because, at least in his mind, it doesn't affect his relationship with you at all. It's not cheating because there's no emotional component.

I always get so pi$$ed that he can justify everything like this. These could be his words. When you justify everything you do, everything is just so convenient!! It's a good thing for H that I feel that kissing is cheating. Because I assure you no more emotional component there than what you describe with H testing his reactions to different things. I just want to shake him and say "What if I didn't think kissing was cheating???!! Would you let me get away with just explaining it away? Telling you that you're feelings are silly because they aren't the same as mine???"
ARGH. He's infuriating. The injustice of it sets me on fire. I pay consequences EVERY SINGLE day for hurting him. And he doesn't even acknowledge that he's hurt me as well, much less pay a consequence for it.

I would guess that your sexual pleasure is very important to him.

You're right on with this. I aways come first in the bedroom...I totally did not mean it like that but it's actually true and fitting so I'll leave it.

Do you think it would be helpful to reflect on what makes him feel like a man? Is this something I can help him do without him even realizing it or does it have to be his sought out journey?
It seems many men feel like "men" when they are needed. But I can tell you asking him to do things for me is NOT something that seems to make him happy. There are no such things as "honey-do" lists at my house. He used to do even less than he does now (hmm improvement, I'll have to come back to that later) and for me to ask him to do anything makes him feel like LESS than a man because he feels like I am ordering him around. I mean, even if I just ask, he knows it's ultimately expected. Can you really say no without being an a$$ when W asks you to take out the garbage, lol?? So, me asking anything from him doesn't make him feel needed, it makes him feel controlled and less of a man. Wow, thanks Bud, whether you know it or not, those last couple statements are a real revelation.
It seems he knows he has to carry some weight around the house so he has created schedules for himself so he will always know what's expected of him, they are his schedules and not mine so he never has to feel like he's being told what to do. Mondays he drinks. Tuesdays we go to dinner and to the mall or toy store. Wednesdays he mows the lawn or does something else with the house that he wants to do. Thursdays are up for grabs. Fridays he drinks. The weekends are usually spent going places as a family or if we are at all social, it is with his family. That's our life and H has created it and he is happy with it. This is really enlightening to me.....

It's not that he doesn't want you to be strong

I'm not 100% sure of this. It's more that he knows he can't stop me from being strong even if he wanted to. I've accomplished a lot in my life, at least by my standards, and I truly think he's somewhat resentful. My siblings are all successful in their lives as well and H has mentioned that we all have some motivational drive that makes us all accomplish what we set out to do. This could be a genuine compliment. But then a few weeks back we were talking about me wanting to be "that girl" for him that he looks at porn for. I told him I'd love to go out, dress sexy for him. We don't ever go anywhere and it's pretty tacky to dress sexy when you go to the mall, toting your two babies around, lol. So instead of saying we could try going out now and then or something else supportive, he said "I'm sure you'll figure out a way, you can do anything right?". JERK. I'm telling you I want to be your fantasy and that I'm willing to listen and really get into it and you tell me to figure it out on my own......WHY am I still with this guy??? How many H's out there would love to hear those words from their W? And I meant them, they weren't just words to try to please him...pleasing him would please me. Isn't that ideal??

if there's any way you can convince him that if he lives his life to his true potential, you'll be so completely happy and his that he'll know he doesn't have to worry about you.

That's the thing-he thought he had that security that he never had to worry about me (I thought he had it too, I never would have guessed this would have happened). Now that he thinks he knows he does, he'll never let himself believe he doesn't have to worry about me. He would think to himself "I didn't think I had to worry about her before and look what happened". I blew it, I really believe that. Plus, he doesn't care how to make me happy. If he really cared so much about losing me, wouldn't he care how to make me happy?
It seems what he wants is to be his "own man", do what he wants and be loved and appreciated for it even if he's a porn loving drunk. Geez, what girl wouldn't want that, right? I'm so delusional.