Learning to Trust Myself

[Burgbud]

His favorites? Do you have any idea how that made me feel?

I have a very clear idea how that made you feel. Five months ago I would not have understood. I'll try to explain further in a bit.

So, here I am. I think I'm beautiful, fit, fun, intelligent. My H would rather jack off to a picture.

No, he wouldn't. I can assure you of this with 99% confidence. He doesn't see it as an "either/or", so it's not "rather" one than the other.

So, it's not even so much the pictures. It's finding out how important it is.

I have heard these exact words. Feel free to let me know when you want me to quit saying that.

As far as whether or not it's cheating, all I'll say is that to him it's not cheating. It's not cheating because there's not another person involved. It's not cheating because, at least in his mind, it doesn't affect his relationship with you at all. It's not cheating because there's no emotional component. I'm not asking you here to agree with any of this. I'm saying this is his mindset and it's not just making excuses for him because it was also my mindset.

I really do have strong feelings on the issue as I'm sure you can tell.

I don't blame you at all. Although I'd already realized where I needed to be on this issue (and many other issues where her wants/needs conflicted with my wants) with regard to my own W, it has been very enlightening for me to read about someone else who looks at it exactly the same way she does. If for no other reason than to see that the way she personalized it is not unique to her.

Let me now throw out a few things I suspect about H based on his many similarities to me. Consider whether or not you think this fits him. It would be nice if you could ask him directly but he probably hasn't really thought about things like this so he probably won't know himself.

Sex and erotica are very important to H. He's curious about his reactions to different sexual stimulus which is why he keeps track of his favorites. He probably wonders why some things are more stimulating than other, similar things. That's one of the reasons he thinks he's unique; he's not just reading dirty magazines and getting off. He's *into* it, he observes his own reactions and wonders about them. He knows you stimulate him more than any of the porn, so he doesn't see any of it as a threat to you. He *knows* you have no reason to be threatened so he sees your objections as a silly overreaction, and why should he give up something he enjoys so much for no good reason?

Take all that along with his reaction to your kiss and his almost desperate controlling and monitoring of you and I would almost guarantee that you are what defines him as a man. Sex is very important to him and he has a beautiful, sexy, real live woman who has sex with *him*. I would guess that your sexual pleasure is very important to him. He's probably much more considerate of you in this area of your R than any other, though you may feel his consideration still has more to do with him than with you.

One of the reasons he's so controlling and seems to want you under his thumb is because he's incredibly insecure about losing you. After all, if he loses you he's no longer a man. He's some pathetic loser. He doesn't realize any of this but it's why he gets so incredibly anxious when he considers he might truly lose you. He hates that and so he pushes it completely out of his mind. That makes him feel better but also reduces the odds he'll actually see the need to change. Likely he believes, maybe subconsciously, that keeping you happy in bed is his best chance of keeping you. So if he loses you not only is he not a man he's not even a satisfactory lover. He gets jealous when you act independently because if you're enjoying attention from other men, maybe it's because you're starting to get dissatisfied with his bedroom performance. I'd be willing to bet that not only does he look at a lot of porn, he also reads or has read dozens of magazine articles and possibly even books on "How to please your woman", "How to have the sex she'll never forget", "1001 positions that will drive your woman crazy with passion", etc.

But, no surprise, that's not healthy. For you or especially for him. Staking so much of your ego, your very belief in your own manhood, on your wife leads to obsession (even if it's only mild), jealousy, compulsion and anxiety. All the porn is a symptom of the compulsion and a general lack of emotional balance in his life. Even if he feels calm most of the time, because he's able to put it out of his mind, his interactions with you will get more and more destructive and/or neglectful. And eventually, you *will* leave him. Deep down he knows that the stronger you are the greater the possibility you'll leave. It's not that he doesn't want you to be strong; it's that he wants you to stay. But that's still an untenable situation.

How does he have to change to make this work? First and most important he has to base his manhood on something other than you. There are lots of books on masculinity out there, some based on western or eastern religion, some entirely secular. Many of them would be very enlightening to him, would make him feel much better about himself, and might well start him down a stronger road that you will both enjoy much more than the road he's on now.

He also has to realize he has to be attractive to you AS A TOTAL MAN to keep you in his life. No matter how great his sexual attractiveness may be it will not be enough, particularly if his obsession about it degrades his attractiveness in other areas. There's a little bit of DB'ing in that idea; we want to make changes and be happy with ourselves in order to attract our spouses back into a R. He has to do the same thing. But it's very scary. I couldn't do it until I had no other choice. But then I could, so it *is* possible. If I can do it now I could have done it then. I was just too scared to let go of what I thought was my best technique of keeping my wife. Heh, I just realized I wanted "techniques" to keep my wife and make her happy because I was afraid who I was wasn't good enough, and I didn't know if I could make myself good enough. I didn't want to have to change because I wanted to be accepted as I was. But I was unwilling to take a hard look at myself and see if "as I was" was really acceptable. It's kind of a vicious cycle. I think the only way to break out of it is to realize you want to change for yourself and not for your spouse. Then if you're still not acceptable to them, your self-acceptance will make it easier to live with yourself and move on to another person if that's what you want.

Okay, I'm just rambling now.

Oh, but the other thing he has to change is to realize that he doesn't have to indulge all his sexual desires to have a fulfilling sex life. There are limitless loving and/or sexual options he can explore just with you. And his creative juices might really get flowing in those areas if he stops or cuts waaay back on the porn. And at any rate having some unfulfilled fantasies, having a little sexual tension in one's life is better and healthier than being in a state of maximum indulgence.

What might bring about these changes? I can tell you what worked for me though you already know that. I can't tell you what might work for him. Print this out and let him read it if you think it will help. Edit as you see fit. If you think it will do more harm than good or if the timing isn't right than definitely don't. See if there's any way you can convince him that if he lives his life to his true potential, you'll be so completely happy and his that he'll know he doesn't have to worry about you. If I come up with anything more concrete I'll let you know...

Good luck!