Our anniversary was yesterday. The day came and went without any acknowledgement from H. I spoke to him last night, we were friendly. At one point he said he was outside b/c the crew was invited to dinner at on the guys' apartments whose wife is there and she made dinner. I said "Oh, ok well I'll let you go", he said "no, it's fine, that's not what I meant". Positive.
I started reading the Emotionally Abusive Relationship. I got through the Intro and the first chapter. At first read, I find it difficult to answer the questions with any level of certainty about what H does or doesn't do. For instance, does he give the silent treatment when he doesn't get his way.....yes, but that doesn't happen very often and I've never thought about it as him not getting his way. I've always thought about it as him ignoring me after we fight, which always made me feel more like it was my fault, something he was doing *to* me as a result of the fight or something that was said during the fight, which always brought me back to the idea that the reason he was ignoring me was my fault. I shouldn't have lost my temper. I shouldn't have picked a fight. Blah, blah. Does it happen not very often because he usually gets his way or is it just a thing he does now and then? The author says we are guilty of using emotionally abusive tactics now and then, doesn't make it right and we should strive to change it, but it doesn't necessarily characterize the person as an abuser.
The author also said that most abusers don't have a clue what they are doing to their partner and that usually they do not do it on purpose, it's usually a result of having been abused themself as a child. This is where I think H already differs from the type of person the author is talking about. I think his actions are VERY well thought out for the most part. My H is very analytical (one of the things I admired about him when I met him) and has always been a "gamer", which requires thinking things through from every angle, a great imagination. I feel like in the big picture, the things he does are in fact calculated. Even the instances where he acts in the heat of the moment, like putting his hands on me are just a means to an end, with the end being to show me that I cannot win. If I am shown I cannot win, I will stop trying. I could be so full of it, so far off base, but this is my perspective.
That's were I am so far. Struggling to see that I am being abused or that I am abusing. That word has SUCH negative connotations.
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
