Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

Regarding pornography:

I even tried to get her involved, and she tried at least a little bit.

Interestingly enough, during the week I was staying at my brother's, when H kicked me out, he called me home one night to talk. He felt the need to tell me that he likes to look at beautiful women. I don't have any idea what his motive was, given the horrible state of our M. But he said that if we were going to try to start over, he wanted to try to start out on a different note, maybe a more sexual one. (Remember the firs few weeks I did get genuine emotion from H). I didn't take his statements too well. Asked him why the he!! he felt the need to tell me that and said that some things were better left unsaid, and him liking to look at beautiful women was one of them. I said "And that makes you different from the rest of the male population...how?" He was surprised by that answer for some reason as though he thought be was unique. Ironically though, now as justification not to stop, he tells me all men do it and I'd be hard pressed to find a guy who doesn't. But anyway, I guess this was H's attempt to get me involved. But the timing was hosed and his words horribly thought out. I'm not a prude I don't think. We've watched videos, read books, looked at magazines. I don't have a problem with all pornography...at all. I've suggested some stuff that I'd like which of course he's not into.
The problem with pornography for me came in when I started finding stuff on the computer. It's really heartwrenching for me to not be snooping, just messing around on my computer and come across remnants of how H has been spending his time while I am asleep. And as I confronted him each time, he got better at hiding it although I didn't realize it. I guess I would just think it stopped. But I later discovered he learned how to cover his tracks after me "giving away" each time how I came across my evidence. After the A, I really did start to snoop b/c I really wondered how honest he had always been with me. Here he was acting like I was the worst person in the world. I was curious to know how trustworthy he himself had been. I found pictures on his laptop going back to 2001. His favorites? Do you have any idea how that made me feel? I started recording his internet activity and was not happy with what I found.
So, here I am. I think I'm beautiful, fit, fun, intelligent. My H would rather jack off to a picture. This had a lot to do with my becoming vulnerable to the attention of other guys. Other guys look at me like I'm that picture. I wanted that.

So, it's not even so much the pictures. It's finding out how important it is. I kissed another man. But all I ever wanted was H. My H flat out told me that I'm not enough. Many people hold out that pornography isn't cheating. But what about the thoughts that go through his mind? He's not thinking about the Lions crappy game while he's getting off. Is that NOT cheating?? To me, it feels like it is b/c it ain't me giving him that BJ he's thinking about. I really do have strong feelings on the issue as I'm sure you can tell.

I still loved having sex with her, and she was obviously attractive whether I told her she was or not, so why should she care? [/quote

My H loves having sex with me as well. We've never had any quality issues although he has expressed some quantity issues, "we only do it when you want". I know I'm attractive and most women are jealous of my body. Apparently it just isn't enough. I told my H to be careful, someday he might find my picture on one of those amatuer sites.... He didn't like that comment so well. Imagine that.