Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

Put down the "After The Affair" book and start reading the "Emotionally Abusive" book.

Ok. I'll start it tonight.

nothing you do will ever be good enough

I'm somewhat prepared for that outcome. One of the questions he asks me from time to time is what I have done, "what have you done to make things better? If you tried one tenth of what you think you have....". So last time he asked me that I said "I haven't called you any names when we've argued, when is the last time you can remember that I called you a name?" He said "I don't know, probably last night, who cares anyway, when have I EVER said that was a problem, that is so stupid". I said "I think it's disrespectful". He said "Well I don't, I've never said I had an issue with it, so why are you wasting your time with something so stupid?" These aren't exact words, I don't remember, but it's the best I can remember. In the past H has said that I have hated him for years and there were times, over the alcohol issue, when I would tell him he was pathetic, a loser, disgusting, I would look at him with disdain. I can see where that would have made him feel unloved or even hated. Calling someone names is never ok, so I vowed to try really hard to stop doing that. I told H "ok, well then the change was for me b/c I think it's disprespectful". He said "that's right, it's for you. Everything you do is for you. So don't act like you are trying so hard for me."
ARGH. So, yes, I am prepared for a final outcome where nothing I do will be good enough. But I'll sure feel better about the person I am either way.

also think that going to a MC might work, just because they'll pick up on H and know he'll need IC, though I also think, given the nature of the beast, H will likely refuse to see a MC, because he doesn't want to give up what he perceives is control over himself to another party.

Yeah, he is 100% closed to the idea of going to a counselor. Who knows the reason, but you're probably right. I can't think of any good reasons, so whatever his reason is, it's certainly self serving. Not wanting to change is probably it, my C thinks so as well.

you're only headed right back to the very things that made you unhappy and will make you dissatisfied again.

I know. But I'll be smarter this time and more aware of the devastation my crappy decisions can wreak. In general, I am happy. I have great kids and a great family when we are out and about, which is most of the time. But there are undercurrents that won't go away. I'm very aware of it. I'm finding that I'm embarrassed, which is something I didn't know before because I kept a lot private, as it should be it most marriages. But once I started writing about it and talking about it, I'm finding that I'm very embarrassed. Things I thought were normal aren't. My behavior is more skewed that I knew before I came here. You mean people don't yell and scream? No, it turns out they don't. You mean people's spouses listen when they talk and don't walk away or roll their eyes? Yes, it turns out other spouses listen. Better yet, they care.

I really have made progress, hope I'm not the only person who thinks so

Now, I'm off to a baseball game, yippee!! A day off with some project managers who invited me to the skybox. Yey. Good for my career, good for me. And I get to play hooky.

Thanks!
Heather