my goal is to change my behavior so that our interactions won't be so dysfunctional. Like you've said on other posts, spouses will fight change. I think that's what H is doing. He's fighting to keep it dysfuctional
Put down the "After The Affair" book and start reading the "Emotionally Abusive" book. The changes in you that you need to make are in regard to how H is treating you, and that book will help you in that direction. "After The Affair" presupposes that the partners wish to work things out productively, that they're just stuck in understanding each other and what to do. In marriage counseling, counseling those committed couples has a higher rate of success than counseling as a couple when there are predominant individual issues standing in the way. Such is your case. In your case, because of H's behaviors, it will be a continual power struggle, nothing you do will ever be good enough, and H undermining, with his actions, any steps you take to repair the relationship as he does anything and says everything to grasp back the status quo every time.
H still hasn't gotten the picture that I'm not playing the game anymore". But first I have to do a really, really good job of demonstrating that I'm not playing the game anymore.
Yep, in other words, change the status quo, and let's go right to the obstacle standing in the way, which is the unsurmountable hump that H's controlling behaviors keep creating. Read that book!!!!!! I also think that going to a MC might work, just because they'll pick up on H and know he'll need IC, though I also think, given the nature of the beast, H will likely refuse to see a MC, because he doesn't want to give up what he perceives is control over himself to another party.
It has to be. He needs to change! Otherwise, even if you are successful in some measure, you're only headed right back to the very things that made you unhappy and will make you dissatisfied again.
