Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

how can you really change the interactions when H is getting heated?

The thing about this is that H doesn't have anything to get heated about. I don't want to make myself sound perfect, but I go to work (where I am successful and make good money), I am motivated, I clean the house, I do my share in taking care of the kids and making dinner, I go to karate usually twice a week for two hours. That is my life. I rarely deviate from that.
The problems come in when I am upset or feel provoked. Provoked by his total lack of consideration for me. Blaring music, blaring TV, not helping with housework, not helping to instill in the kids that we need to keep toys picked up. We have a very small house, we outgrew it years ago. But we were waiting until we could afford *the* house before we moved. So, we have no closet space, nothing has a place to be put away to. It's frustrating. But H continues to buy toys for the kids like there's no tomorrow. I am not lying to you or exaggerating in any way when I tell you that you cannot walk in S4's room because there are too many toys on the floor. And he gets more EVERY week, more than once a week. The toys are just as much H's as they are S4's, so if I were to try to sort through them and do something with them, H would have a fit. We have Rubbermaid bins full of toys all over the house and there are even toys that S4 is not allowed to play with unless Daddy is there (b/c, like I said, many of the toys actually belong to H!).

As far as the house goes, H feels that because he takes care of the outside, that the inside is my job. He does his own laundry but usually leaves his clothes in the dryer until have to remove them or plead with him to do something with them.

H knows he has power over me in this area and he uses it daily. We got attic stairs last year because I paid someone to put them in. Before that, we had to get a huge ladder out of the shed and bring it in the house to get in the attic. I would ask H to help me put stuff up there or get stuff down, he would put it off until he was damn good and ready to help me. Finally I started getting the ladder and doing it myself. I must have looked like an idiot trying to carry that stupid ladder by myself, but I did it and I didn't care what I looked like. I was always fuming. So finally, I got someone to put in attic stairs so that I can take advantage of the space up there and easily retrieve things myself. H was not happy about it.

These are but a few of the instances that really get to me. So, it seems it is actually me that gets heated. H offers no help or no solutions, only adds to the problems. When I get frustrated, things get bad. He'll do the opposite of what I ask, he'll ignore me. He feels absolutely no guilt about cuddling with the kids or sleeping in on the weekends or playing with the kids in the mound of toys I'm trying to get S4 to help pick up.

He has a total lack of respect and appreciation for me and wants to live as though I am not here. Unless of course we're going somewhere fun as a family or he wants to sleep in. Then he wants to live as if I'm here. HELP ME COPE!!!

So, to help you see how my frustration often leads to dire consequences, see in my earlier thread where H was blaring TV and woke me up at midnight. Couldn't get back to sleep. After two requests, I lost it. After that, H decided I would not be taking our kids to daycare anymore. Seems like an odd consequence, but it will make sense if you read it.

Part of what will help you to not lose your cool is to detach. Start looking at this from the outside, not so personal, as if you are watching a character in a movie.

This is a good, practical way of explaining how to detach. Thanks!

If you are feeling reactive, say nothing.

I'm gonna be a really quiet girl from now on....