Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

Would your H benefit from having some sources to help him cope?

You bet he would. But will he actually seek out any help? No. Would he accept help if it was offered? No. My H is very indignant and honestly respects very few people. I guess to get through this he will either have to dramatically change himself or box everything up and put it away. He'll probably choose the latter. Unfortunately for me, I think the latter bypasses forvigeness.

Remember, you can help change the R by changing you.

I'm counting on it. See, my H has had tendencies to be, well, the way he's being since day one in our R. Literally day one. Since the A, he feels justified in giving that side of himself more face time with me. H really does have some issues with anger, self esteem and control that go back as long as I've known him. So, I'm not sure that changing myself can change H in this regard.
But there is the other side to H, which is why I'm still with him I guess. This is the side I try to be understanding for and know that he still has a lot of unprocessed emotions and has been hurt in the deepest way by someone who was supposed to be his best friend.
The tricky part is to fight for that side of my H while letting the other half know he is no longer welcome in my life.

What things would you like to change and how can you change the dynamic?

I need to gain greater self control. Control over my reactions, control over my instigations, control over my temper. I need to repeat a mantra that says "I will not be provoked, I will not be provoked".

I need to lessen my expectations. I need to recognize the punishments I'm being given for what they are and simply ignore them rather than expecting the punishments to stop.

I need to be more appreciative. Of everything and everyone, not just H. I need to compliment more and count my blessings. I have to make sure that H doesn't cloud the way I look at the world and I have to make sure that I don't blame him when I'm unhappy. My happiness is my job now, not his.

I need to rebuild trust, which shouldn't be too hard to practice b/c I'm a trustworthy person....who did something bad. But aside from repeating that, there isn't much I have to vow not to do anymore....I'm an open book, always have been.

Any other ideas? I will need lots of practical guidance and advice on self control. Many of the things my H had done would make anyone mad....I need really good ideas on how to NOT let him get to me. Hopefully he will see that his old methods aren't working and try new ones. But Michele's observations on cheeseless tunnels in DR doesn't give me much hope that he will change his ways any time soon even when he stops getting cheese. I don't know if I can do this....

You are obviously really putting effort into objectively looking at your sitch, taking ownership for your part, etc.

Thank you very much. My kids deserve every minute I spend trying to make this work. The day I have to look into their eyes and tell them they will have two homes....well I don't want to go there right now.....

Thanks!!!