Heather-
I don't know the entire sitch..I've only read this thread. Sounds to me like you do want to make your M work, and it's proving tough. Apparently there was OM for you and H is still reacting to this.
I just want to remind everyone- your H doesn't have the skills DBing has taught to cope with this. H is responding terribly maybe, but he is really hurting. Heather, there are lots and lots of support groups for spouses that have been cheated on. Not as many the other way around, as I guess, you've probably noticed. Would your H benefit from having some sources to help him cope?
H obviously has not chosen to end the M, or he wouldn't be there.
Re: the bar night. I can understand why your H was upset with the picture of OM, probably with your brother not caring...it makes your H feel like the hurt he has felt is unacknowledged or belittled. It isn't. It's real. And when you choose to go to that bar where you met OM over H, (yes, you realized and changed your mind, which was good), he felt like...there she goes...disregarding my hurt over this.
Heather, DO NOT take his anger, his mistrust, etc. personal. He must want to be with you or he wouldn't want to be there. He is reacting to the circumstance. And reacting in ways many of us DBer's have acted before we learned better coping skills.
This is going to take some strength, some swallowing of pride, some understanding on your part. That is much the same as us on the other side of the sitch. I think you have to tolerate some of his emotional outbursts...not to say you should create a R with that...but what are YOU doing during these times? Acknowledge. Validate. Say you are sorry over and over. Be patient. Go the extra mile. Before you guys try to fix everything all at once...let your H deal with the emotions created by the choice you made. That's my input. Good luck. If you aren't ready to give up, don't.
Heather, I think you must think through the method or plan you are going to use to start turning your sitch. around. Remember, you can help change the R by changing you. What are you doing here? What things would you like to change and how can you change the dynamic? Remember, you can only have control over how you respond, how you act. Your H has not forgiven yet. This is a roadblock that may take some time.
BTW, I applaud you for doing what you are doing. WAS's are generalized here some...patterns seem to be consistent. But you are not the typical WAS. You are obviously really putting effort into objectively looking at your sitch, taking ownership for your part, etc. Give yourself a real pat on the back for this. It is something most of us here don't even allow ourselves to hope for from our WAS's.
