Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

Reassurance and transparency are needed to help rebuild trust, I think. But you can't live attached to the hip. Have to go about building trust in a healthy viable way, not a paranoiac way, no?

Yeah, I totally agree. But what I meant when I said "we're talking about bars here, really going out, not like a movie or something with a girlfriend", I was talking about what he was asking of me, not the lie that he told. Basically, the agreement was that we would not go to bars, concerts, etc. without the other person, heavy social situations. Do you still think that's being paranoid?

I think in practice, he means for the agreement to go much deeper, i.e. my karate class is a great example of that as you eluded to. But I won't let him take it too far. Part of what I've learned about the time I lost my mind was that "going out" in and of itself wasn't "bad". But it was putting my vulnerable self (b/c my marriage was shaky I was vulnerable) into situations where bad things could happen even though I wasn't seeking out bad things. So I agreed to the arrangement. All in all, I don't regret it, but I get jabs about it from my sister and a friend of mine from home (Michigan) who will ask if I "can" go out. Whatever, they need to be supportive, if they can't be then fine. I just avoid their questions and the underlying implication. I think you can tell I struggle with the "reasonableness" of the request and my independence. But from what I've read, that is normal and everything seems to say I should honor his request. I'd like to hear more of your viewpoint now that I've clarified that he's never said I can't go anywhere without him.

Rather than have a chaperone on any excursion (how does that make you feel anyway?),

We don't go anywhere. That's part of the joke in the arrangement. Basically the arrangement says I can't go to heavy social situations because H flat out won't go, rarely ever has. I made plans to go out with my siblings a few months ago (May I think)and I let H know way in advance so that he could plan on attending. Well, as soon as we get to the bar, my brother being the self centered guy that he is (and he's NEVER like my H anyway), picks up the latest issue of a local music newspaper, proceeds to flip to the article and picture on his band to show my sister. OM for me is the singer in this band. So, 10 minutes into our excursion, it turns into a total freakin nightmare. My H stands up, says something like "I can't believe this" and walks away. I still don't know what I should have done in that situation, but I'm guessing I did everything wrong b/c I didn't go after him. He would not leave though, followed us from bar to bar although he wouldn't have anything to do with us socially. After I'd had too much to drink I found him and told him if he was just going to stalk me he could feel free to leave. I've left out a few expletives in this narration. He flat out told me he needed to keep an eye on me and he may have called me a slut. Can't remember, but he has used that term describe me and I'm pretty sure this was one of them. Anyway, the night turned worse later, with my brother insisting on taking us to one of the bar where he plays (the bar where I first kissed OM and H knows that). I talked to my brother beforehand about keeping the territory neutral, but like I said, he can be an a@@. Well, by the time he brought up going, I had enough to drink to skew my thoughts and my drunk self thought "well, H is already being a jerk, I might as well go". So the cab dropped H off at home and he gets out and says "so are you coming with me or going with them?" I said "you really expect me to choose......I'm going with them." Bad move, huh? I know it was. The cab gets three blocks away and H calls me on my cell phone and tells me if I go "that's it. your kids-half the time". I hang up and immediately tell the cab driver to let me out and I leave my siblings in the cab wondering what the he!! H said to me. So, later that night he ended up calling the police on me for domestic violence, which would be funny if it was funny, which it's not. That Monday is when I signed the D papers.

You must think we're absolutely crazy. Our interactions are so trashy since the A, it's not even funny.