Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

The weekend before H left for northern VA, I caught him in a lie. He got a rental car Friday afternoon so he could leave first thing Monday morning and I used it to go to karate Friday night. I got home that night at 9:30. The next day I used it again that afternoon to get my nails done. When I got in the car, the seat was back. I instantly thought that was weird, because I should have been the last person to be in that car the night before. So, when I came home I asked H if he had went somewhere last night after I went to bed (which wasn't until nearly 12:30am). He said he went to get cash. I said "you drove after you had been drinking, at 12:30 in the morning because all of a sudden you decided you needed cash??" HEL-LO, I wasn't born yesterday, all my senses are telling me he's full of it. He said "I just needed to get out of the house" I basically repeated the same question again, and he just confirmed, yes. So, I went to the grocery store and continued to think about it. I thought, ok. I know he went out. Which means he probably did stop and get money. And if he went out, he will have considerably less than what he retrieved from the ATM. So, I go home, H is in the bathroom. So I pull out the ATM slip he has folded between his cash, which is all sitting out, so it's not like I had to snoop too badly. The ATM slip says $200. The cash he has remaining is like $182, with $11 of those dollars being in $1.00 bills. Hmm. Plus I had no idea how much money he had to begin with. I instantly thought he had gone to a strip club. When H got out of the bathroom, I confronted him. Asked if he had been robbed on the way home if the only place he had gone to last night was the ATM. He wouldn't tell me where he had gone, like I said H is VERY good at not acknowledging what I'm saying. He eventually said he did not go to anyplace like a strip club, I believe him. So I asked why he lied then. He said because he knew he shouldn't have gone anywhere since we sort of have an "agreement" not to go out without the other person. Mind you, this was his rule, not mine. I don't make rules and expect that he will actually abide, only he has that luxury. So anyway, he broke his own rule and then lied about it. Straight to my face. Interesting, huh? Still don't know exactly where he went, but apparently to a bar. He actually apologized for going (but I feel like he was being manipulative by doing so b/c he knew he HAD to apologize if he wants me to continue abiding by the rule even after he broke it) and he never said a word about lying to me.

I have wondered a great deal since I betrayed the trust in our M and saw how harshly he has reacted, how honest he has always been with me. I know it's weird that the person who betrays always ends of thinking the other person is betraying them. But I before I lost my mind I really was always honest with H. Perhaps too much so. I could be a case of total nonsense. But I honestly don't trust him much either.