Learning to Trust Myself

[heatherg]

Hi Chrissy~

What have you done in the past for your anniversary ?

Well aside from last year (I told H a week before anniversary about OM, so there WAS no anniversary), we've kept it pretty low key. I kept our unity candle from our wedding and I've lit it every year except last year. Will probably have to skip this year as well, huh? It's pretty sentimental.
Our anniversary falls on this coming Thursday, so I think I'll just slip a card in his bag before he leaves Sunday. I don't think I'll do anything else to acknowledge it if he doesn't say anything. If he does say something about it or gets me a card in return, I'll do something extra nice this weekend, like make a nice dinner, but I won't connect it to the anniversary. I'll keep you posted.

Are you two speaking via phone calls or email right now while he is gone? If so what tone are they taking ?

We're speaking by phone, mostly just a couple of minutes when H calls to talk to the kids at night. The tone has been pretty good actually, much better the second week than the first. The first week was pretty strained. Right before he left he was being nicer to me and for the most part I was reciprocating, but then the night before he left, I went to bed without saying goodnight. I was trying to figure out his motive for being nice instead of just going with it and I got a little bitter and took a jab by not saying goodnight. But that weekend when he came home, we picked up being friendly again and even resumed sex. So that's good. Then the second week, he's called me a couple quick times during the day to ask me a question about something like if I got the guy to cut the grass, that kind of stuff. So again, that's good.

Your dreams are just your subconsious talking.

Yeah, I know. In many ways, I feel like this new R between H and I resembles the one we had when we first got together, with me feeling inferior. He was downright cruel at times back then and his behavior since I revealed the A has been strikingly similar but feels different because it's "justified". The woman I am today still feels the need to defend the 17 year old girl I was then, I never did anything to deserve the way he treated me. I have lots of unresolved feelings. I remember feeling jealous that he had some meaningful relationships in his past, whereas mine were not. I really only had one boyfriend before H. The rest were one night stands~yes, I was a troubled 17 year old. But I think me kissing OM, someone I wasn't attracted to and who meant nothing to me, brought back some of those feelings and I suppose if H were to ever cheat on me it would be meaningful to him or he wouldn't do it. So, yes, my subconscious is connecting dots that probably aren't even there...

I can tell by your post you are in a much calmer place.

I definitely see this as well. I wish it could stay this way.....it's going to be difficult to maintain when he comes back home. When he is away, I feel like the world is mine again.