I appreciate all of your thoughts. Hmmm, how to explain myself...
Yes, I'm hurt by her dating and her likely sexual activity, especially after all of the passive-aggressive withholding that she did in our M. But my concerns feel separate from that. Yes, she's free to act however she wishes. Except when it comes to extremes with S5, or in terms of my right to a reasonable R with S5.
The reason W has primary residence with S5 is b/c I made a move for peace, and b/c even tho I knew that I had great odds to win a custody battle, bringing out all of her skeletons in her closet (as well as my own) would have been cruel, and I wasn't willing to hurt her - perhaps severely stunting her potential to grow and heal - just to win. I loved her too much to do that. Also, b/c I saw her as committed to S5.
S5 has said some outrageous things about W, some of which have turned up true, such as her having porn movies in the house. My thought was that if some statements were true, then perhaps others can be as well. But I've merely strengthened my communication with S5, and will check in with him from time to time to listen for red flags.
Uday and Jo, I like your concern about not introducing unnecessary negative energy into the sitch. Even if only I know about my consultation with an A, it will still be there. Know that I am very guarded about my feelings toward her and my potential for mere reactance. I'm truly trying to stay conservative and calm. This centers on a very real potential for W to try to move a great distance away with S5 - part in spite, part to fit her fictionalizaed version of her victim/abuser D rationale, and part to follow her young party friends who are relocating to S.FL. I am not willing to lose S5 to her self-focused, MLC whimsy.
I see W as needing to see if the grass is greener on the other side, and myself as not really able to come fully into my own until I'm back into my house. Hard to explain, but just having my own stamp on things with furniture, paint, yard, a garage to store a kayak or surfboard. Those things that I've been waiting for that will help me to further expressive myself - genuinely.
At this point in time, I don't want W back. Not as she is. Honest scrutiny of myself reveals an exhausted man, with perhaps not the insights or spirit in place to deal with her, should that opportunity come too soon. I need time for me. All I have left right now is for putting Humpty-Dumpty back together again - hopefully, with better results! - , keepign the career going, and loving S5.
By the way, I cancelled the consultation, having spoken to a friend A, and realizing that I'm already doing what I need to be doing in terms of documenting things re S5.
