Keep the faith my friend. You may not have realized it yet, but by coming here and taking many of the steps you have done already, you are well on the road to recovery and miles ahead of others in similar straits.
I wouldn't beat myself up too much on the snooping, in fact, I still do it. To me, the snooping is worst when we have expectations and we poison our own minds by learning things we hoped were not true. At the same time, I also find, somewhat oddly, that once we move along in GAL, snooping often provides info that keep propelling us forward in that it often demolishes any latent notions in our hearts and minds that we can still turn this around on our own IF ONLY [fill in the blank]. There are no no IFs, just GAL. Also, as hurtful (as well as insightful) as W's journal can be, did you sometimes wonder when reading it what planet she was on?
I also think taking a break from the BB is a good thing for clearing our minds unless we're at some mew stage and want to share/learn what others have experienced. Also, each of us has our own needs and how much BB you can take by either reading or posting is up to each of us. I find more and more I just want to check and see how everone is doing. We've opened our lives to complete strangers, but I'll bet many of us feel we've gotten back a lot more than we've given (btw, isn't that God's plan?). It's nice to know our friends are doing well and if not, to provide comfort if they need it.
I don't know where you are in Florida, but I may be in the Sarasota area this winter. Maybe we can meet. I know I have to meet Briget--and if she'd like, I can make my tummy into a much more comfortable pillow than her Paul.
I think someone told me once that the use of an OP may just be to relieve worry/guilt; ie. a distraction.
((((hugs)))) to you. I know how hard this is, the thought of Ow pops in my mind every now and again. But you have had a good focus on yourself, you can weather this bump in the road.
Take care and stop back once in a while just to say 'hi'. T
Hey Gabriel. Sorry for the latest that has happened. I know that must hurt. You're a great person and deserve much happiness.
Take care my friend and hope things get much better for you very soon.
Like said many times before, thank God for our little boys. They bring us so much happiness and will always love us unconditionally.
I was thinking about you yesterday. What happened was that I rarely open Divorce Remedy, but should. I flipped to pages 250 & 259 and it was Michelle taking about GAL, etc. Things you have helped me with many times. Those pages were good.
Don't give up because of OM. I have been through OM1 and OM2 in the last year. Because of the OM I have become stronger, more patient, better at listening, better at complimenting and in my own mind better than them in everything. This may sound a bit cocky, but they were not even competion. OM1 couldn't handle her after a few months, he only saw her a couple times a month and couldn't handle her needs. The poor baby had panic attacks. OM2 was a complete joke, he couldn't keep her happy for a month.
Us DBers can get down for a day or two, but we never stay down. You know tons more than the average male about relationships, so in the long run you will win.
I hope you come back and post, because you have been an inspiration to all of us! I also know that when things go south it helps to post, we vent on the BB and it keeps us from venting at our X-es.
Keep praying, put the sit. in God's hands and keep GAL.
Us DBers can get down for a day or two, but we never stay down. You know tons more than the average male about relationships, so in the long run you will win.
JDD, Truer words were never spoken! Stay strong Snowdog
Decided to post an update. Been busy with work and the drama within my sitch (mostly self-created or inflicted). Thanks for all of your posts and supportive comments. Merrick wrote:
Quote: the snooping is worst when we have expectations and we poison our own minds by learning things we hoped were not true.
My lesson was that snooping is addictive and toxic, in that it conflicts directly with the GAL effort. I nearly fully lost my balance, kicked in a monster case of insomnia that is nearly defeated - but only after a week of suffering, and it only seemed to inflame W's negative impressions of me (her reasons for D).
Don't snoop!(I feel like a guy in pinstripes talking to kids on "Scared Straight."
W found out about my snooping (saw activity on computer or s/t), and supposedly has filed a type of restraining order (laughable, but now I must abide by yet another negative labeling). She said, "I just want you to keep out of my stuff." I said that I would and added to W: "Why don't you just move out of my house?" to which she could only stammer. Said it nicely yet matter-of-fact-ly, to point out that it is she who is maintaining proximity. Her request, however, echos her early request for me to respect her. This means space and appropriate distance. I've decided to give her ample space for as long as it takes for her to approach me - even if this means months.
Anyway, I'm working on GAL hardcore again, adding big-picture GAL stuff like the planning of fun, "me-only" trips this Fall and Winter.
JDD, I appreciate your comments about the OM. I doubt she's in any specific R. It seems that she is dating in a superficial way. What I fear is that she's trying to 'self-treat' her sexual trauma/libido issue with promiscuity, which will only deepen the wound. I also am fighting grave concerns that W's issues go far deeper that I had ever imagined (like projecting her dark side onto me all these years), and I'm trying not to despair about her ever changing.
I received great advice by UD via telephone about the MLC pattern, and wonderfully supportive convos about my sitch from Kevin, Koshka, and LostinLimbo, with great emails from Jo and others as well. I appreciate all of this support dearly, folks, as this was a dark week indeed.
I'm not too shaken up about the RO, but I will be consulting with an attorney about child custody issues on Wed, just to set up a defense plan if needed, or to remove him from harm if she goes fully off the deep end.
Welcome Back. Sorry for the RO, but as you said...maybe she should move out of your house.
Quote: I also am fighting grave concerns that W's issues go far deeper that I had ever imagined (like projecting her dark side onto me all these years), and I'm trying not to despair about her ever changing.
And thus starts the introspection. Carry it a step further...if she doesn't grow/change is she someone you even want? I'm just in the mood today where I question what I'm doing and what everyone else is doing also. Just looking into the crystal ball and saying "if I got my XW back as she is now would it even work?". I sense a little of that in you or maybe despair that her anger issues won't abate.
I'm glad you are focused on yourself. I've started to get back to where I'm focused on myself as well. Trying to put a little distance between myself and XW to give her a chance to think about her single life. Hopefully you are doing the same. Hey, if you think of anything really fun for the fall and winter post it here. I've been looking for something. I'd like to get to Vegas one of these days, but would prefer not going alone.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
No, I definitely wouldn't be willing to revisit an R with her without notable change on her part first. There are years of failure - with me taking the blame for our troubles in her head. Not a place to which I want to return. Hence the need to give her space and time to see if this happens - while I don't sit idly by.
This next set of months will be about me moving on, not burning the bridge behind me, in a way that's beyond a last resort, and clearly a full dropping of the rope, with the goal of setting up my life well in her absence. I WILL have a full and happy life - without her if need be. This will allow me peace of mind to grow, pursue my own interests, and keep on developing my career and R with S5. I'm consulting with an A tomorrow to see how to prepare for the worst regarding custody/visitation.
I hope to go to Puerto Vallarta for work/fun in Dec. Vegas is an excellent idea, Wes. I think we should talk about that one. Heard from Bulldogr that he's in if it happens. Hmm, as long as what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.. Let's check in about this, okay? Any others? gabriel_j_y@yahoo.com.
Let's check in about this, okay? Any others? 