I won't repeat the excellent advice about knocking off the R talks. I just wanted to at least offer a different perspective on the journal. Look at the bright side. She writes about you. Don't look at the words...just the fact that she thinks about you enough to write about. She sounds like she doesn't believe everything she sees, but she is looking. That's a good thing.
Me
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
I still say quit snooping. People who snoop can expect to get burned. If you cannot cope with 100% of what she's written, whether good or bad, then you should not have looked at it.
Think about you, put some barriers up, and get some boundaries in place. You need to model to her what healthy respectful R's are like, and reading her diary isn't that.
Wes, yes she thinks about me. At least on paper, tho, her thoughts show that she's still demonizing me, thinking of me as not possibly changing. You folks are so right, tho. Gabe has officially sworn off R talks and is setting up some nice limit-setting.
In my snooping, I discovered that W has spent several thousand dollars on cosmetic procedures to improve her appearance - likely in 5 digits. Now she's out getting drunk with her students and depicting me as an ol' stick-in-the-mud. I'm not condeming her, as I've been a bit focused on improving my looks as well. Most folks are a bit in need of that to bost confidence post-breakup. However, it puts her earlier complaint about only eating Mac-n-cheese in comical perspective, and altho I'll keep my word about lowering rent and paying for S5's school clothes, I'm cutting her off after that.
I got angry/frustrated about her improving her sexuality and her search for fun (she was so focused on work in the M). But solution-focused therapy is about improving the present, and I'll shift my focus back to me and S5 for now.
I had my first session with a female therapist, a bit older to help me gain perspective on myself and my sitch from a woman's eyes. My prior IC was male, helped me with the masculinity recovery needed after all that rejection and guilt regarding porn use (look who's using it now! Amazing how life turns, huh?). The new IC had DR on her bookshelf, but listened to my summary and frankly gave the odds slim to none. I countered saying Im looking for an IC who helps me improve me, not to save M or win W back, but to keep my plugging away at what I need to change.
Obviously, if I looked at porn at one pt and filmed W nude w/out her knowledge another, I have some things to straighten out, like maturely interacting with a woman (hopefully without W's history or W recovered from her issues) to mutually meet our needs for intimacy.
In regards to my extra financial assistance of W, the IC used these very words: "Gabe, you are enabling her instability. She needs reality to learn. Stop meeting your need to help her, and let her do things herself."
IC also may help me to get over W, if she is truly moved on with the door nailed shut. The IC said, "In 3-4 yrs, who knows?" but we both agreed to focus on me and help me to detox from this very rough last several years. It'll be like having a real-life in-town GAL coach.
Jo, your post about modeling an appropriate behavior hit me in the forehead like a brick. Very well done. Wow! Perfect summary and calling me out on that. And it is so true - not just for her, but S5 is watching me, too. Are you sure you don't want to get back into counseling?
I am still doing counselling because I run a helpline for my charity so people phone up and ask questions or talk to me about problems (not to do with R's though).
A lot of calls are for information only which is easy, but some the people are really distressed and talking to me about how their baby died etc so I can be listening for sometimes up to about 45 minutes of someone crying or incredably angry and in some ways, phone counselling is harder because you don't have body language, facial expressions etc to help you.
There's a new tone to your posts today, as if you have realization that you're in a new phase of the journey. Congratulations on deciding to work with the new C. In the long run I bet this will turn out to be one of the best things you do for yourself and your family.
Thanks,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
I really felt it was time to get back to deeper work on myself. I was starting to get too reactive.
Perhaps still in a bit of reaction, on Mon, I thought of the old saying: "What's good for the Goose is good for the Gander." I realized that I was unnecessarily being the "martyr" in terms of sacrificing, working hard, and saving. It is time for me to look at ways to invest in myself and let loose a bit more.
This thought allowed me to set up individual therapy that will hopefully help me w/ any future R. I also am looking into a personal coach to help me tighten up my abs. I hope to arrange that with a hot young undergrad - and perhaps W will walk by one of our workouts. I also plan to invest in some outdoor toys - kayak, etc... and begin using them before W leaves the house, storing them in 'my' garage. I figure since I dropped the rent $200 and theres no official lease, I can take that privilege. Finally, I will plan one "adult" outing a week, getting outside to mingle with other adults, and giving me more practice with the ladies.
Hope you all have a great Tuesday! Here's a rewarding day of GAL for all of us!
I like your "me first" attitude. Actually you have been a martyr. Make sure that your actions aren't enabling your XW to have irresponsible behavior. It's easy to keep giving when you are in love, even at your own expense. I have done exactly the same thing after both divorces. I love your plan of action. Kayaking sounds fun. I might give it a try. Or maybe scuba diving.
Anyway, sounds like this is just what you needed to get the PMA up.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
My 'me-first' attitude was none too soon. My intuition last weekend (her staying out Fri) was accurate. There is now an OM in my sitch. Maybe its just a casual date/sex, maybe more. Regardless, it is time for me to stop treating her like a W and merely provide her CS and appropriate space.
I'll still be DBing in the sense that I'll keep all of my improvements in place and will keep the door cracked open. But as I noted to Kevin (Bulldogr; yes, he's still alive and doing well! ) and LostinLimbo in late night phonecalls to vent last night, what is good for the goose is good for the gander. And this is now the time for me to GAL with way more playfulness, fun, and spirit so that my life and my time with S5 is truly celebratory.
Yes, my snooping bit me in the a$$, but I feel like I have a bit of 'closure' if you would, with my pull to 'save' her or caretake for her being inappropriate pursual that likely left her despising me or disrespecting me at some level.
Anyway, folks, I'll be posting less than before. At least for awhile, as I need a break from focusing on W so much. Just wanted to inform you all so no one sent out the search parties. I'll be back.
Sorry to see you go even for a while Gabe. You provide such good advice on here. I'm also sorry you had to find out about OM. But you well know that whoever it is isn't fit to shine your shoes. Hopefully your X will have a chance to figure that out, but I agree with you. Your life has been on hold for too long. Get out there and enjoy the single life and be open to possibilities.
Hope to see you back soon.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Don't look at the words...just the fact that she thinks about you enough to write about. She sounds like she doesn't believe everything she sees, but she is looking. That's a good thing. 
I also plan to invest in some outdoor toys - kayak, etc... and begin using them before W leaves the house, storing them in 'my' garage. I figure since I dropped the rent $200 and theres no official lease, I can take that privilege. Finally, I will plan one "adult" outing a week, getting outside to mingle with other adults, and giving me more practice with the ladies.
Actually you have been a martyr. Make sure that your actions aren't enabling your XW to have irresponsible behavior. It's easy to keep giving when you are in love, even at your own expense. I have done exactly the same thing after both divorces. I love your plan of action. Kayaking sounds fun. I might give it a try. Or maybe scuba diving.