In reading your post today, I was reminded of the MANY times I also chose to "snoop"... In doing so, I realized that I was only hurting myself by snooping. In my sitch, I found that "snooping around" became addictive and highly destructive as I also found things that were not reassuring. The negative comments that your W wrote about in her journal are a reflection of the hurt and pain she is experiencing right now... Her accusations are NOT a reflection of you. But, the more you feel the need to convince her that she is undervaluing the good things in your marriage, the more she will most likely pull away from you and even blame you.
IMHO... the comment you made to your W: "If I ever get another chance with you, I'll show you how good it feels to be fully loved", may be too much for her to hear right now. You had mentioned that she had written in her journal that she saw you as "manipulative", especially if she senses pursuit. When you made that comment to your W, she seemed to respond with telling you that she was thinking about moving away and applying for a job elsewhere. She seems to still be at the point in her life where the more pressure she feels, the more she will want to flee. IMHO, you should try not to insist on talks about your relationship with her. I think it is important for you to try to devise a plan to deal with your insecurites without pushing your W in any way. Talk with family, friends, people on the BB, etc. about what is happening in regards to feelings about the divorce, not your W. I think that all questions and issues that deal with your marriage should be put on hold until she wants to talk about them.
As I was the one eager to hold my marriage together, I often engaged in behavior that pushed my H farther away. I think that it is human nature to want to escape when someone is feeling coerced or pressured. My H's anger seemed to be the only emotion he was feeling with my constant persistence to convince him to stay committed to our marriage. Unfortunately, this prevented him from having feelings of sadness, grief, guilt, remorse, or other emotions that would have helped me. I know that there was a time I would have given ANYTHING to be able to spend the rest of my life explaining the depth of my feelings to my H. Although I am beginning to see our problems more clearly, my H is not interested in working on our marriage...
Gabriel... I hope that my post has not offended you in any way as that is not my intention at all... The fact that you care so much about your relationship with your W means you have good values and you are a great person! I have so much respect for you... I respect you for the way you have valued your marriage and honored your commitment to your W. Take good care of yourself... -KIM
