I snooped. And what I found was not very reassuring, yet not disastrous either. I found yet more porn in W's stash of sexual contrivances. The prior stuff was "how-to" stuff, the new stuff focuses on women: nude yoga, nude erotic yoga, a tantra one that seems more for titilation than true learning. I called a few DBers about it, and receive the input that she's likely confused, that this is more MLC stuff, and that its better she's exploring alone than w/others.
I had S5 Fri night, and W went out and stayed out until noon Sat. I dropped S5 off at 2pm Sat and had a 1.5 hr talk with her. First I asked her about her porn generally in the guise of checking on S5's exposure to such stuff. She flat out denied having anything - so she lied.
When I asked how her Fri outing was, she downplayed, saying she had a nice time with her 'students.' She calls them her students, yet goes off to Hawaii w/one and parties with them nearly every week. I just don't get why she bothers to lie or downplay? She made a point to note that one 20something student with a wild streak (the one whose project I declined to work on with W this month) had brought her boyfriend (I had asked W if she was pursuing an R with this student in June).
I also peaked into her journal and saw that she has me summarized into two themes: 1) I'm manipulative (when I've tried to be nice and if she senses pursuit). 2) I'm controlling (all of my backslides, as well as my boundary-setting for her requests of me). 3) I wanted her to be weak, so that I could be her Hero, and I wanted her parents to be her Villains, so that I could save her over and over. (sounds like IC interpretive nonsense, as the ILs were exhausting and impossible. There was nothing rewarding about their neg role in our M. I would have been so pleased to see them be appropriate).
The journal was focused on negative things about the R, her anger toward me, with positive events described as mere absence of negativity. There was a lot of venting, little/no introspection/self work. No mention of OP or sexuality disclosures.
Is it possible that one can truly forget or ignore so many positives and successfully filter in and save only the negative? Will she ever recall or admit my positives?
In our convo, W said "Why don't you just find SO else? Why don't you just move on?" I said, "I'm not staying put merely b/c of my promise. My heart is telling me I'm not ready." I talked about her, the postives I see in her. I noted how I saw her as strong, said that she was still the most beautiful woman for me. I worked in some language such as, "If I ever get another chance with you, I'll show you how good it feels to be fully loved." In the convo I noted that I was telling her such things not to win her back but just to explain things and work them out. Eerily, W mentioned that she had thought of moving away/applying elsewhere. I noted that I hoped she didnt' do that.
I asked her for the two biggest reasons for her choosing D. She summarized with feeling trapped (blamed me for this - my control) and with feeling a lack of love (I was not filling her love bank - I think this was the primary reason, the former would have been met in part pursuing this other.) INn the journal, she had called my behavior and perspective over the past year 'self-centered' and noted that she despised my sadness following our S/Din her journal . In our convo, I noted that I have found the key to loving/caring for others well - loving and caring for me first. I noted, "If I care for myself well, I will be that much better able to love and meet my partners needs. I'm not sitting aroung feeling sorry for myself. I'm developing myself into a better man, and I'll pass that on to S5."
We shared a lighthearted moment when I commented that she was the most beautiful woman in the gym to me the other day "until you frowned at me." She said, "I didn't frown at you,did I?" When I said yes, she stated, "It's just b/c I like to work out intensely."
Yes I snooped, and I disrespected her privacy by doing so. I must stop that. Thru all this, I am discouraged.
I've heard no acknowledgement from her of my changes, just silence.
