I think your post above should certainly earn you the title of "most compassionate, DB king". I think I should address you as "Oh, the most compassionate DB King" from here on out.
OK, I have a rather long response here because sometimes when I look at your sitch I see several avenues for self-examination of myself and my sitch. So what I write to you is almost a record of my own process (I am almost being Wes-like and co-opting your thread for my reflections in a way! )
I want to make specific comments on some statements in your post below:
" I started to defend myself,saying "W, you choice to be in this situation. Your choice created this." It didnt' go over well (duh!) " - Yeah, this defending thing is very difficult to get rid of. I have learnt ovr time to say "Hmmm..." and look perplexed when WAW says something about me that I dont agree with.
" W shared w/ me her shortfalls, with more occurring b/c she and S5 are booked for a trip to Disneyworld." - This reveals to you her "feminine" (in the Deida sense) side (sorry ladies, I am only taking about yin and yang aspects here, no implication that women are less fiscally responsible or anything). My WAW is exactly the same way, making terrible financial choices at this point. This is typical of MLCers. They try any salve they can to get over their pain. Like Deida advises, you have to let that run off your back.... The poor decision-making will become evident to her over time. She is a smart woman. She will ask herself why she is in a soup all the time at some point.
" You haven't shown me enough so far [re my priorities of her first - think love bank here]. All I see right now is that you can take great care of yourself." " - positives here Gabe. This means she is noticing the changes. Now, is it possible for you to change that picture slightly? For example, start doing more for S5. I.e. take away some of your W's initiatives on his behalf and do things for him that show that you are taking care of yourself and S5 (leaving the hint in the air that you would take care of her too if you let her). Let me give you examples of some things that I did that my W recognizes now and is in fact jealous of (I am sure you are doing this already, but just throwing ideas out): 1. I buy D3 toys and books on my own. WAW silently hates that. 2. This one is big - I set up, by myself, a 529 (college savings fund) for D3 and casually informed WAW of this just before I had signed off on it. 3. I have been taking digital pictures of S3 and loading them on my laptop. WAW hates that because now I have all the D3 pictures and she does not. For a while there she started taking pictures of D3 with one of those disposable cameras but the pictures were bad and she has now given up. 4. Every two to three weeks I take D3 to the public library and borrow tons of books for her. We read them every day after I get her from daycare. D3 loves this routine. WAW hates it. But anyway, in the spirit of unconditional loving I let WAW borrow the lib books from me. 5. I buy unique things from the organic grcery store for D3 from what WAW buys and it always gets WAW a little jealous when D3 says she likes that and wants it "because dad gets me that". 6. I enrolled D3 in parent-tot music classes. Initially only I went with D3. Then WAW started to join in. At first she scoffed at the idea, now whe loves it. Then this summer I enrolled D3 in swimming and started to take her. WAW then wanted to join in as well.
I dont know if I am conveying to you the flavor of something that has helped me. Basically, you need to crank things up into the next phase. Now, she has noticed that you are "taking good care of yourself". This is good, already you have earned respect in that regard. Now, if you can one-up her on care for S5 (and in fact make that into one element of your growth and permanent change) and take charge of that, you will have gained even more. I dont know if my observation is correct or not but it seems like with S5 she is still "in control" of things. Perhaps wresting that away from her will earn you jealousy (read respect). But the important thing is that you do this in such a way that her ability to mother is not in question either explicitly or implicitly.
One thing that may be useful as perspective to you. If your WAW is like mine and and academic, then GAL activities that enhance physical fitness or amount to body-buliding may be viewed with less favor (even disfavor) than "intellectual" work. I know this is snooty and in fact perhaps even "fake". But just a thought to mull over. While secretly they notice and are attracted to it, they may not evince as much interest or haev as much "points" in their respect chart for such things.
" I thought of Gary Smalley's advice to soften her heart with respectful support, especially when needed, and proceeded to reduce her rent and take over her share of uniform costs. After she agreed, I noted "Okay, that's done, and I won't be bring it up again." " - Bravo, Gabe, this is the definition of unconditional love. You are amazing!!
" Some may argue that I merely enabled a "me-me' WAS" - If I had listened to people who sat on the sidelines and gave me this advice I would be divorced and long-dead in the R by now. This does not work for an MLC-WAW situation. There is too much anger there. If you fight them you just feed into their negative energy. If you soften them, it opens doors to further softening. It all depends on what you are talking about. If your W was having an affair or doing something you personally felt completely opposed to, then you would not want to encourage it. It all depends on whether you still think of your W and S5 as YOUR family or not. If you do, then a true man would be willing to give the skin off his back for them would he not? It all depends on the WAW and LBS and the reading of the former by the latter. I feel that my WAW is in MLC and confused because of what she says to me and others, what she does and from the emotions on her face. My W is still in there somewhere. So, as long as I feel that way I will do everything, sparing no effort and money to get her back out. And then, there is always my D3 to remind me that "if a truly devoted parent were willing to jump in front of a locomotive to rescue a child" the pain I am under now is just nothing.
" I think she's watching me in terms of my success and stability, my ability to handle her upset, and my willingness to help her when she is down. She had asked me to respect her last week, and I think all of this does just that." - You did exemplarily in this regard Gabe. Now you do need to pay heed to the issue of ratcheting up your caregiver role. If you turn that role towards her you will be pressuring her. But you can safely turn that towards S5 demonstrating that you are capable of taking care of more than yourself.
Kudos to you. You are an inspiration.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
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