MLC-WASs make a series of terrible choices (starting of course with walking away from marriages without attempting to fix the problem - sort of like pushing one's car off a cliff just because the tires are worn out). My WAW has spent so much money in such a wasteful fashion, it could easily have sufficed to run a small country like Haiti for the past two years. So, it would be a miscalculation to expect any kind of responsible behavior on their part.
It is very likely that your W's recent crotchetiness is due to reasons not related to you, but several reality checks (financial, work-related, mothering/single-parenting related) that she has had to face. I have often wondered if I am validating enough and all that. The most difficult line to draw is when to validate. It is good to do so when you feel that the W is indeed stressed amd venting for reasons beyond her control. On the other hand, it is so much more difficult when the W is venting when things are not going well as a direct consequence of some really patently irrational and stupid decisions on her part. In the latter situation, the best one can do is what you did precisely, i.e. just keep our mouths shut. You are doing a much better job than I was when my W was in the anger/the-world-sucks phase.
Another point to note is this and it can be very tricky:
MY WAW appears to get crotchety and uppity with me for two opposing reasons: 1. If my PMA is too low she starts drawing herself up into a power-positive status and looking down on me. 2. If my PMA is too high she tries to ratchet hers up, gets annoyed that she cant (there is depression there for sure) and then gets crotchety because she is a bit jealous of my PMA. So, like Goldilocks, it is important to maintain the PMA just right. As a rule of thumb, what works for me is to keep it one notch higher than hers. Seems kind of crazy doesn't it, but since the WASs are not operating with all their marbles intact, the LBS has to use unusual tactics to keep the ship afloat.
Gabriel: RE your annoyance with W on care of S5:
I feel like my W has been dropping the ball on caring for D3 as well lately. My D3 is the MOST important thing in this god-awful mess. And I will get run over by a locomotive before I drop the ball on her. Our MLC-WAWs are so lost right now they are incapable of keeping their heads screwed on straight and handling the kids. MLC-WAWs I think are better at handling the kid front than MLC-WAHs (as in dejavu's case for example) but even so, they are still performing sub-par. You are doing well to recognize this and it really hurts Gabe. I know this from experience. It takes even greater strength to forgive and be compassionate towards the MLC-WASs when there are kids involved. Because now there are two big issues that we need to get over :1) How could you do this to me? , 2) How can you possibly do this to the kid??? The second one I find is so much harder to resolve in my heart than the first. But we need to find that strength somewhere because otherwise there will be nobody to look out for the kids. This has been a very difficult issue for me over the past couple of years and it keeps resurfacing all the time.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
