I think being aware that 'testing' of my changes may be tried occasionally by W is important. In terms of a perspective on it, its only natural for her to fear that I'll go back to my/our old ways, and I do need to show over time, for her and for me, that these improvements will stick.
I re-organized furniture/things in the side business office for my start there. Buddy was heading out of time frantically, and seemed guilty about not helping, but I reassured him I'd be fine, and actually appreciated having the alone time to arrange things as I liked. Looks great!
I'm finding myself better able to bounce back from negative events, working quickly to solve what I can, and letting uncontrollable stuff roll off my back.
W's moods are W's moods. I'm learning to not take it so personally, and to not try to solve it. When she gives me the chances again, I'll jump in and do my best to listen well.
You've got a good attitude trying not to take her temper personally. WAS's always blame us for everything and they all have mood swings, probably more than us LBS's as they have guilt to deal with as well, and whatever caused them to leave, which is rarely 100% about us.
After a hard day at work, went to pick up S5 at the house and noone was there. Left to pick a few things at the grocery store, and returned. Still noone. Called house and W's cell, but no answer. By chance called another mom that W is carpooling with, and sure enough, S5 is there.
Just as I was about to call W from my place to see if she was home to drop off S5 (I had to work tonight), W calls me shouting that I was supposed to pick him up at her friend's house, and she told me this (not true, even sent her an email on Sun to confirm a schedule for the week that she had told me then). Had S5 for ~ 1hr tonight. Felt bad about not truly connecting with him, but at least I got him fed.
At dropoff, W came out of her car in a see-thru blouse with hair and make-up done very differently. She glared at me, and I caught myself w/ a cringe on my face. W walked in, not looking at me, and said "Alright. Goodnight." S5 ran around the house saying "Dad, stay here, I want to show you something." I felt like crying, cause the little guy so desparately wants to play match-maker and to make peace b/t us. He doesn't quite get that one party doesn't want any part in this dance anymore.
I told W that she looked nice, she rolled her eyes and looked blankly at me, so I repeated it a bit slower and louder, with a calm look on my face: "You look very nice." She seemed taken aback and said thank you.
I'm not sure I'm up to playing games with her regarding visitation. I'm so very close to canceling the rest of my visits this week to avoid this game-playing, but I also don't want to hurt S5. He made me choke up driving him back when he asked, "I thought I got to stay with you for 6 days and nights?" (I had talked to him about how we get more time together to reassure him on Sunday before his return).
I'm not sure I can love this woman who can hurt me so much. I feel ruined for other Rs as well, as if that trust or ability to feel safe won't happen again. She told me in our last R convo that I needed to move on. By her cold indiffernt treatment of me since then, I think she's already done just that.
Keep doing what's good for you and what's good for S5. Whether W has "moved on" or not doesn't affect the genuine need you two have for the very best Gabriel you can be.
Remember, too, that this is a roller coaster. If you need to pause for a while to get yourself back in shape, do so. If you're at the end of your rope, it'll become clear. But don't throw in the towel unless you're truly ready. Know for yourself that you did your best as long as you could, or else keep trying to do your best.
Prayers,
K
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
Minor setback. The "you look nice" comment might not have seemed well received, but on the heels of her angry at you it might get her thinking. She was in the midst of crabbiness and had recently lashed out at you and you compliment her. It will stick with her that her attitude didn't crush you. I'm sure at this point she's where she wants to keep you at arm's length. I think there is a fair amount of that behavior because if our s/ex-s relaxed and went with the flow they might find themselves loving and "giving in".
Just keep that PMA up at any cost. When she is at her worst is when you need to be at your absolute best, not when she is at her best.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Quote: I told W that she looked nice, she rolled her eyes and looked blankly at me,
Did you use your best Barry White voice?
Quote: I'm not sure I can love this woman who can hurt me so much. I feel ruined for other Rs as well, as if that trust or ability to feel safe won't happen again. She told me in our last R convo that I needed to move on.
It's difficult to love the personna of the woman she is now, and I hear you loud and clear on the trust, which is why you are probably far from ready for another R at this time. However, as for "moving on," remember that this needn't entail a new R. Just as a runner who loses their legs can no longer jog through the park (please, no comments on prosthetics) and must move on and find new means of release or exericise, you are in the same boat regarding relationships. In addition to S5 there must be other new friendships you can pursue absent an intimate R. I hate to sounbd trite, but we can only do the best with the cards we've been dealt; that's what most of us on the BB are doing without betting our entire emotional bank on drawing a Royal Flush. Be well and take care of S5.
Just got back from a trip and trying to catch up on everything.
You have indeed had a chequered week with the W. Wes has the right idea, when yoru PMA is high, your W may actually be jealous of your high PMA. She may try to raise hers by doing something that she feels would raise her PMA but the emptiness within her keeps getting in the way. This may actually make her angry at herself, you, S5, the world. I have experienced this myself in my 2-year ordeal. The only solution is to detach and focus on you and S5 (DBing basics really).
There is a spiritual void in your W, same as mine. They are lost souls, they do not understand themselves, let alone understand anything outside of them. And if they do not know who they are, there is little chance for us to know who they are now.
Regarding your S5's bedwetting, though, I want to ask you, could it be because he is stressed. I have heard that kids of divorced/separated parents tend to have that problem. Your S5 seems very perceptive and cognizant of this schism in his young life. Is it stressing him out? I dont know, just a thought.
UD
The 3 laws of DBing:
1. PMA is critical to DBing.
2. Since drop in WAW's PMA leads to drop in LBS's PMA and vice-versa detachment is critical.
3. Validate to raise WAW's PMA and GAL to raise LBS's.
I'm sure at this point she's where she wants to keep you at arm's length. I think there is a fair amount of that behavior because if our s/ex-s relaxed and went with the flow they might find themselves loving and "giving in".