After a hard day at work, went to pick up S5 at the house and noone was there. Left to pick a few things at the grocery store, and returned. Still noone. Called house and W's cell, but no answer. By chance called another mom that W is carpooling with, and sure enough, S5 is there.
Just as I was about to call W from my place to see if she was home to drop off S5 (I had to work tonight), W calls me shouting that I was supposed to pick him up at her friend's house, and she told me this (not true, even sent her an email on Sun to confirm a schedule for the week that she had told me then). Had S5 for ~ 1hr tonight. Felt bad about not truly connecting with him, but at least I got him fed.
At dropoff, W came out of her car in a see-thru blouse with hair and make-up done very differently. She glared at me, and I caught myself w/ a cringe on my face. W walked in, not looking at me, and said "Alright. Goodnight." S5 ran around the house saying "Dad, stay here, I want to show you something." I felt like crying, cause the little guy so desparately wants to play match-maker and to make peace b/t us. He doesn't quite get that one party doesn't want any part in this dance anymore.
I told W that she looked nice, she rolled her eyes and looked blankly at me, so I repeated it a bit slower and louder, with a calm look on my face: "You look very nice." She seemed taken aback and said thank you.
I'm not sure I'm up to playing games with her regarding visitation. I'm so very close to canceling the rest of my visits this week to avoid this game-playing, but I also don't want to hurt S5. He made me choke up driving him back when he asked, "I thought I got to stay with you for 6 days and nights?" (I had talked to him about how we get more time together to reassure him on Sunday before his return).
I'm not sure I can love this woman who can hurt me so much. I feel ruined for other Rs as well, as if that trust or ability to feel safe won't happen again. She told me in our last R convo that I needed to move on. By her cold indiffernt treatment of me since then, I think she's already done just that.
